A forensic investigation of Damian Green’s computer has revealed that it was used for viewing emails, conducting research and processing documents, confirming that bears shit in the woods.

“Naturally, this sort of behaviour is completely unacceptable and we’ll be pushing for Green’s immediate dismissal and, if possible, his summary execution” said Carl Fapper from ‘Puters are for porno’, or PAP, the pressure group who first accused Damian Green of reading emails in his office.

“I understand that more than 99 percent of the work done on this machine was related to Green’s role as a public servant and, indeed, that he has never denied that he has never visited coffeetabledumpers.com”

The report by Percy Woodentop, a retired lollipop man retained by the parliamentary authorities, has shone a light onto a variety of aberrant behaviour by MPs.

“Honestly, I’m shocked. Since Simon Danczuk left parliament, it’s clear things like inappropriate texting have fallen off a cliff and the use of computers to run offices has rocketed, or stayed the same, or something. To be honest, I haven’t got a clue, but the money’s good”

Theresa May now faces an awkward choice. Damian Green is a trusted ally and old friend and sacking him will make Boxing Day awkward. On the other hand, there’s PAP.

“We’re not letting this go” said Fapper “our grip is legendary and we’re not going to allow elected representatives to rub along as though this sort of thing is a proper use of public funds”

Damian Green and most of the population of the U.K. were unavailable for comment.