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Charity begins at home, say dickheads who don’t give money to charity

Total wankers around the country have responded to increases in the foreign aid budget by insisting that charity begins at home. The wankers, who can usually be seen stepping over homeless people and carefully avoiding...

Fears 40% of millenials may never have tedious home improvement conversations

There are fears that up to 40% of millennials may never be able to have tedious home improvement conversations. Fewer and fewer people are able to own their own homes due to their fondness for...

Britain gears up for Dianageddon

A lack of Britain shooting itself in the foot and Donald Trump not doing something stupid for a few days has left Britain to contemplate its plans Dianageddon. The Daily Express has announced it intends...

British public says Nigel Farage can have peerage now so long as we don’t...

“It’s like Frankenstein’s monster. You create this and release it there is no telling what harm it will do once it realises it has thumbs. Better instead to give the chancer a Lordship and let him never turn up to the House of Lords. It will be exactly the same as his ‘work’ as an MEP. Put him on a few committees and you’ll never see him again.”

Babies born in Britain today to hear about home ownership via myths and legends

Researchers from the Rochdale Institute for Social Morphology released today the results of their latest study into the changing oral traditions of the British Isles. It seems references to King Arthur and Queen Boudicca, and...
Badger

Badger fed up with receiving ‘Bristle-enhancing Pills’ emails

Brock Hampstead, a male badger from the New Forest, has started a campaign targeting what he claims is speciesist profiling by advertisers. "I know that advertising works to strict algorithms, I'm not an idiot, but...
Nuttall

UKIP Conspiracy theorists claim Paul Nuttall is being erased from history

UKIP leader, Paul Nuttall PhD, is concerned that he is being erased from history by a shadowy group of leftist and liberal media conspirators.  He recently had to prove that he was present at the Hillsborough disaster in...

Nuttall lost close personal election in Stoke

Tragedy stricken leader of UKIP, Paul Nuttall (105), faced fresh disaster yesterday when he lost a close personal election in Stoke. "Everything was looking good, we were confident our misguided and bigoted message was getting...
Crashed Gritter Lorry

Council has enough grit

A council in the North of England is absolutely confident that this is the year that they have bought enough grit to salt the roads and keep the traffic moving over the weekend. "It's apparently...

Paul Golding’s Prison-a-thon raises £5,000 for The Refugee Council

On an uncharacteristically serious note we'd like to thank each and every person who has donated or otherwise supported Paul's campaign for The Refugee Council.
Car with snow on it

Everybody wondering where the one car with snow on it came from

Drivers all over the UK are wondering where the hell that one car with snow on it has come from. "Where on Earth has that car come from?" All the other drivers on the road...

Man gets straw into Capri Sun first go

A bloke from Rochdale is being praised as some kind of wizard today after getting a straw into a Capri Sun on his effort. Ryan Griffiths, known as Beardy to his mates, pulled off the...

New British Sign Language gesture devised to mean ‘Daily Telegraph reader’.

Users of British Sign Language (BSL) have adopted an addition to their vocabulary. This is a reaction to a front page article in the Daily Telegraph claiming that Manchester students were being told to 'do...
Big Ben

Sound of Jeremy Hunt flushing money down forty grand toilet replaces Big Ben chimes...

NHS workers and the general public were reassured this morning to learn Jeremy Hunt flushing money down his new toilet will replace the sound of Big Ben for the next four years. The famous bells...
For Sale Signs

Mortgage lenders to accept kidneys instead of mortgage deposits for first time buyers

Two mortgage lenders have announced that from 2018 they will accept the harvested organs of buyers with small deposits in a bid to attract first-time buyers. Yorkshire Building Society has introduced a new two-year fixed...

Prince Philip Declares He Will Only Die In Battle

The Queen's husband and consort, Philip "The Swagger" Windsor, has revealed he is privately wishing for renewed hostilities with "that red headed rabble", by which he means Scotland, to break out following Brexit. Retiring from...

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