Government launches electric car scrappage scheme to combat CO2 shortage

In a move that characterises the Government’s inability to understand science it has been announced that they will launch an electric car scrappage scheme in order to combat the CO₂ shortage.

One over-promoted Government Minister said, “For years now we’ve been told there’s too much CO₂  in the air. Yet, there’s now a crisis and there isn’t enough CO₂.Clearly, there needs to be more CO2 so the Government is launching an electric car scrappage scheme.”

In a further badly thought out move that betrays the Governments complete inability to understand science DEFRA have announced a cull of trees. In a statement they said, “Trees are absorbing the world’s supply of CO₂.Look out of your window. That tree you can see isn’t it lovely? Well it isn’t. The reason you’re sat drinking warm ale and flat coke is that that tree has taken all the CO₂ and used it to make wood.”

In response to this statement by DEFRA, Defence Secretary Gavin Williamson said, “The Government are pledging an extra £20bn to the armed forces. This money will be used to wage war on the Amazon Rainforest and eradicate the scourge that is trees. We will also hunt Sting down and cruise missile him into the back end of next week.”

There have also been unconfirmed reports that HMS Queen Elizabeth is to be dispatched from Portsmouth carrying newly arrived F-35’s in order that it can sail to the Brazilian coast to begin operations against the rainforest. Whilst this cannot be confirmed the Herald has been told that it may want to consider investing in napalm factories.

When asked about the Government measures Dr Frederick Seddon of Rochdale College told us, “Clearly the Government has no understanding of how CO₂ in drinks and CO₂ in the air work. None of this is going to help.”

However some people were happy. UKIP released a statement saying, “Finally, the world can see what a hoax global warming is. It’s nothing more than an EU plot to raise taxes. This shortage proves we’ve been right all along and demonstrates that the UK has the sort of foresight to make a success of Brexit.”