Lola the ninja feline, from Coventry, was once again discovered in a rather strange location. This time it was in a Romford working men’s club on Tuesday afternoon showing a PowerPoint presentation to a pack of Labradors.

When asked about the purpose of this meeting, Lola replied “I’m teaching these useless chew-toy lovin bastards about how to tackle hardened criminals.”

Lola continued “after my close brush with death in 2010, I decided to undertake various personal safety courses and have even achieved my black belt in karate.”

“I recently read an interesting article in the Daily Mash about Labradors being expected to become hardened guard dogs. Now everyone knows that Labrador’s are only good for cuddles and basically eating anything that isn’t isn’t screwed down, or even things that are screwed down.”

“So I wanted to impart some of my personal learnings to these sappy creatures to stop them undergoing a near similar fate to myself.”

When asked to recount that near fateful day back in 2010, Lola still finds it hard to discuss. “It’s often challenging to talk about that bat shit crazy old bint and what she did to me, there I was basking in the sunshine, next minute I’m scooped up and posted in the trash! I shit in her flowerbeds everyday now!”

“I’ve suffered with PTSD (Puss Traumatic Stress Disorder) since the incident, however through helping these useless drooling fools it’s helped me to get my own life back on track.”

“The Labrador’s owners are expecting them to be a tough guard dogs, even when they’ve bought them as a cuddly family pet! I’ve got a lot of work to do with these daft, rotund creatures but I’m starting to see a dramatic improvement.”

“I try to build on their existing skill sets; these guys love balls right?! So I teach them that a good chow down on an intruder’s nut-sack generally does the trick in a phase one take-down scenario!”

“Next week marks the start of “Pussy action week” PAW, and Lola reminds us that a good pussy is hard to find, but when you’ve found one, don’t let it go to the dogs.”