6 month old Tommy Leadbetter from Romford has spoken exclusively to The Rochdale Herald about how he manages his toilet regime.

“First I was like ooh, I poo then you change my nappy, it’s like I get all the attention when I shit my keks. When I’m feeling really bored I like the old double barrelled poo-change-poo-change nappy action.

“You have to keep the poo fairies on their toes. They’re all like oh no not again, I just changed him, but they soon do the cooing and sweet voice crap once I’ve been shouting and screaming for a while. Suckers.

“It’s all about timing, you see. You don’t ever drop crapolas when it’s convenient for them, you need to show the staff who’s master. They need to be humiliated, crap in a crowded place, shopping centres, restaurants. If your home town has a Metro or Underground train network they’re the best. No chance of changing and no escape, they’re a doozy! Make those turds smelly, nothing quickens those bitches and excercises their gag reflex like a chemical weapons grade stinker that really catches at the back of their throat.

“If you can roll around in it before they get to the crime scene all the better. Toddlers, try taking a few cute, tentative steps, get the ‘rents all gooey then drop one into your nappy and topple backwards so as you sit down hard the shit shoots up your back. Bonus points if you get it in your hair.

“Pro tip: case the joint for nappy changing facilities and wait until they are well out of range to strike. You have to TEST that love, fools!”

The Leadbetters are currently on their 8th baby psychology book and a course of sedatives.