Colonel Mustard blames the Housing Minister in the Cabinet Office with the Funding Cuts

Colonel Mustard has alleged that the housing minister, in the cabinet office, with the funding cuts caused the Grenfell fire.   The Colonel, wearing a crumpled rain mac and deerstalker hat made the allegations to...

MP’s staff to wear burkas in effort to make them less alluring to MP’s

MP's have demanded that a new dress code be brought in for their staff to make them less alluring sexually. It's hoped that the new dress code which requires all staff members to wear...
Mrs Brown's Boys

Anne Frank’s diary found to contain script for pilot episode of Mrs Brown’s Boys

The wartime diary of Anne Frank has been found to contain a script for the pilot episode of Mrs. Brown's Boys. Recent imaging analysis of the diary, which was maintained by the Jewish teenager from...

Killer Ian Brady’s ashes shot into space, by most expensive means possible and paid...

Reports have been across all of the mainstream press today regarding the Moors murderer, Ian Brady’s remains being buried at sea. A shock report that we have received here at the Rochdale Herald gives...

Badger fed up with receiving ‘Bristle-enhancing Pills’ emails

Brock Hampstead, a male badger from the New Forest, has started a campaign targeting what he claims is speciesist profiling by advertisers. "I know that advertising works to strict algorithms, I'm not an idiot, but...
Unhappy Hippy Kid

Children of hippy parents gear up for annual disappointment of ethical advent calendars

The children of hippies have been telling the Herald about how they've been preparing for receiving disappointing advent calendars. 8 year old Freedom Snowphish said, "Last year they got me a carob calendar. It was...
Car Crash

Uber to consult UK Government for advice on dealing with driverless car crashes

Following the tragic death of a pedestrian knocked down by a driverless Uber vehicle, the taxi giant confirmed it would be consulting UK Government leaders on how to best deal with a completely driverless...

Theresa May says alcohol and poor judgement to blame for Trump state visit

Theresa May has been responding to calls to cancel the Trump state visit during a press conference today. Responding to criticism that the invitation for the state visit was extended too early the Prime Minister...

Jeremy Corbyn Guarantees Tory Win By Not Jerking Knee

The chance of Conservative Party rule evaporated today. Jeremy Corbyn is to talk about the nuances of foreign policy and its consequences. "It's an outrage!" stated Morris Simple, a Rochdale builder and flag waving aficionado. "I was...

Defiant Brit resumes place in queue

Stuart Anderson, has resumed his place in the Borough Market cheese stall queue. Anderson, 34, told the Herald that he was going to a dinner party on Wednesday, and the rule was to bring an...
Tony Blair

Tony Blair has already earned more than you

Tony Blair has already earned more than you will this year and it's only January. For those unfamiliar, Mr Blair is the most successful leader the Labour Party has ever had. He won one of...

Family dog dutifully tells sleeping baby that there’s somebody at the door

A dutiful family dog has very helpfully informed a sleeping baby that there is somebody at the door. The seven year old Cocker Spaniel made the announcement at about 8pm this evening shortly after his...
Angry Man

Oxfam scandal proves we have moral high-ground say selfish, tight bastards

Dreadful arseholes everywhere have applauded Oxfam staff for providing them with their latest bout of self-justification. Graham Ruddington, 47, who has both used and supplied prostitutes during the course of his career as a City...

Restored Big Ben tests bong to ensure it’s ready for Eid

Eid al-Fitr is an important religious holiday that marks the end of Ramadan, London's most popular holy month Ramadan is the ninth month of London's calendar, traditionally recognising the month in which the Quran was...
Blue Passport

British retail workers thrilled about opportunity to sign on using blue passport

British retail workers have revealed that they're looking forward to signing on with blue passports. Cliff Edge told us, "Not having a job or any money will be a drag. I'll probably be feeling quite...
Farage in Russian hat

Nigel Farage denies any links to Russia

Nigel Farage MP (just kidding) has appeared on BBC Breakfast TV to deny any links to the Russian Government. In an interview Mr Farage MP (just kidding) said, "? ????? ??????? ????????????? ??????? ????? ???????????...

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