Royal Mail

Royal Mail agrees to launch new £6 first class Brexit stamp

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The Royal Mail have announced a special stamp to commemorate Brexit today. The stamp will be a first class stamp and cost £6. The Daily Telegraph's Bill Board said, "This is excellent news. It's been...

We mess with clothes sizing to mess with your heads shops tell women

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Leading women's clothing shop owners have said they stock clothes with inconsistent sizing to mess with women's heads. One leading shop owner said, "We deliberately make our clothes quite large. So a size 10 here...

Tears of remainers used to put out Saddleworth Moor fire

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Lancashire Fire Brigade have announced they're considering using the tears of remainers to put out the flames on the top of Saddleworth Moor. Fire Officer Asif Hose told us, "The fires have been blazing for...

Gary Glitter to crowdfund trip to Thailand

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Popular paedophile, Gary Glitter is alleged to be considering crowdfunding a trip to Thailand for when he gets out of prison. A spokesperson said, "The funds will only be used to fund Gary's flights, accommodation...
Wearing Poppy

Daily Express readers to mark start of Poppygeddon with mass execution of celebrities not...

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6 lucky Daily Express readers will mark the launch of the Royal British Legions poppy appeal by machine gunning celebrities caught not wearing poppies later today. One Express reader said, "It's that important part of...
Angry Man Christmas

Man adamant he wanted nowt for Christmas now angry and petulant he got what...

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An angry Rochdale man who swore to friends and relatives he wanted nothing except "maybe a skip" for all the stuff he already owns has disowned everyone he knows and is planning a move...
Corbyn

Revealed: your top 5 favourite ways to explain Corbyn losing a general election to...

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Jeremy Corbyn is the people's champion and the most popular politician in England, so, just how do the people of Rochdale think he lost an election? 5. The Stalin: our leader can do no wrong,...

Jeremy Corbyn in Right Wing Political Correctness Storm

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The political right, bigots, misogynists, anti-feminists and liars across the country united yesterday, to fully embrace political correctness, after the opposition leader was accused of calling a stupid woman a "stupid woman". It is unclear...

First Briton shocks Britain First

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Researchers from London's natural history Museum have presented the results of analysis of DNA from 'Cheddar Man', Britain's oldest complete skeleton, prompting a spokesman for the far-right group Britain First to splutter "but....but....but....". Scientists...

Minister of Health and Social care to Employ Doctors From University of Life

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Health Minster Stephen Barclay has told of his bold plan to plug the shortfall of doctors within the NHS by employing geniuses from the University of life. Speaking to the Rochdale Herald he said, "For...
Rainy Day

Siberia braces itself for unseasonal British drizzle

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Russian media is warning residents of Central Sibera that the usually frozen steppes will be be bit damper than Britain all week. Prisoners in Siberian Gulags are expecting excessive lots of weather that can't quite...

Theresa May says alcohol and poor judgement to blame for Trump state visit

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Theresa May has been responding to calls to cancel the Trump state visit during a press conference today. Responding to criticism that the invitation for the state visit was extended too early the Prime Minister...
Angry man

Racists are pussies

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We've all seen the stories. Hate crime has risen exponentially since some of the country voted to leave the EU. We decided to talk to one intolerant arsehole to get the lowdown on why...
Daily Express Readers

Charity begins at home, say dickheads who don’t give money to charity

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Total wankers around the country have responded to increases in the foreign aid budget by insisting that charity begins at home. The wankers, who can usually be seen stepping over homeless people and carefully avoiding...

Fears 40% of millenials may never have tedious home improvement conversations

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There are fears that up to 40% of millennials may never be able to have tedious home improvement conversations. Fewer and fewer people are able to own their own homes due to their fondness for...

Dog looking forward to “cower under the toilet night” this weekend

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A dog has told of his love of the 5th of November festivities, or "cower under the toilet night" as it's known in the canine world. The Yorkie/Maltese cross called, appropriately, Shakey told The Rochdale...

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