Private rail company owner and Blairite totally unbiased about Traingate

Lord Sir Baron Richard Branson said today that claims that he has it in for rail nationalisation enthusiast Jeremy Corbyn are unfounded. The gazillionaire, famous for crappy record shops and climate change, told the Herald; "I'm...

Doubling homelessness through reduced spending on welfare is excellent value claim Tories

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As the National Audit Office revealed that homelessness of all kinds has doubled over the past 6 years, a Tory spokesman has confirmed that they are very pleased with the results. At a press conference,...

Middle aged man now communicating entirely by sighing

Authorities in Lancashire are trying to solve the riddle of a man in Rochdale who is now communicating with the outside world only by sighing. The condition, known as “fuckthissyndrome”, causes otherwise healthy middle-aged men...

Tories fined £20 million for pumping untreated sewage into people’s brains

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The Conservatives are facing a hefty fine after it has been discovered that their manifesto pledges and reassurances over Brexit were found to contain 1.5 billion litres of human excrement. It is difficult to know...
Houses of Parliament

SHOCK after politician caught watching NORMAL PORN featuring adults

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A former Scotland Yard detective has told the Rochdale herald he was "shocked" by the amount of legal pornography viewed on a computer seized from the Commons office of senior Tory MP Lewis Neil examined...
Elmer Fudd

Elmer Fudd resigns as Home Secretary

The Home Secretary Elmer Fudd has resigned, Downing Street has said. Mr Fudd, was due to make a Commons Statement on Monday about the Windrush scandal, but has instead chosen to remain "vewy, vewy quiet"...
shaking hands

DUP B.U.N.G. to be funded through NI contributions

British Unity Nationally Guaranteed Treasury Minister Terry Axe announced today that British Unity Nationally Guaranteed (aka B.U.N.G.) payments will start shortly as part of delivering the Conservative and Unionist National Transition Schedule (aka, well, never...
Farage

Please stop comparing me to Hitler pleads bloke who just gave speech to German...

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A bloke who gave a rabble rousing speech to a bunch of Nazis in Germany has put out a plea on social media asking people to please stop comparing him to Hitler. The man, who...

Bloke who described himself as inspirational and entrepreneurial on CV definitely neither

A bloke’s glowing description of himself on his CV definitely does not bear any resemblance to observations of his personality, it has emerged. During a recent interview Graham Jones, an accountant from Leicester, was asked...
For Sale Signs

You could always smother a grandparent for a house deposit, Banks advise first time...

First time buyers struggling to raise the funds for a house deposit are being advised to smother an elderly relative for the inheritance by the Bank of England. Stricter lending rules, rising house prices and...
Royal Family

United Kingdom gobsmacked as child turns four

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It was announced yesterday, with the publication of an official photograph, that a child is turning four today. We spoke to anthropologist, Dr Kay Smallbones who told us: "This is actually far more common than people...

Peter Andre to press Brexit Button

As part of her Key Note speech to the Conservative Party Conference today Theresa May is set to announce this explosive coup for the Torys & Brexiteers - Peter Andre is set to turn...

Rail fares rise takes taking the piss further

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The average price of standing between a handful of sweaty commuters whilst the will to live is squeezed out of you is to rise by around 2.3%. Again.
Julian Assange

Ecuadorian embassy reveals Julian Assange has accidentally ordered a trailer tent whilst drunk

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The Ecuadorian embassy have put an advert up for the sale of a trailer tent that Julian Assange accidentally ordered whilst drunk. An embassy employee said, "He's a nightmare. He started on a crate of Pilsener...
Car with snow on it

Everybody wondering where the one car with snow on it came from

Drivers all over the UK are wondering where the hell that one car with snow on it has come from. "Where on Earth has that car come from?" All the other drivers on the road...

Wales announces plans to be available in colour by 2022

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The Welsh national Assembly has announced plans for Cardiff to be available in colour from 2022. Cardiff will be the first City in Wales to offer full coverage in colour. The announcement was made...

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