Sheffield City Council have declared a state of emergency after some residents reported taking a bath.
Brightside resident Stand Still told us, “It’s been 12 years since I last had a bath. I’ve been down to B&M and got some new fangled stuff called shower-gel. It’s amazing. It’s like soap but in a bottle. I plan to use it tonight.”
A spokesman for Sheffield City Council told us, “It’s bad enough that everywhere is flooded but now the residents have decided to have baths as well. This we cannot be expected to cope with. The whole city might soon smell of lavender. It must be ended.”
Retired Gaz lighter Bill Board told us, “I went to the pub with a pal last night. Over our 8th pint of Wards he told me that he wasn’t coming out on Friday because he was having a bath with soap and everything. It’s almost as if he thinks he’s from Leeds or something. He’ll be drinking wine and smoking filtered cigarettes next.”
Several people have suggested reasons why residents have suddenly felt the need to bathe. One resident told us, “There’s a particularly powerful adaptation of Joseph on at the Lyceum at the moment. On Wednesday Joseph said he’d dreamed about biblical rainfalls then on Thursday it flooded. It could be that.”
It’s understood that Blue Peter will be launching an appeal in the coming weeks to raise money for residents of Sheffield too traumatised by these events to go to Rotherham where soap is unheard of and deodorant is seen as a bourgeois affectation.
Meanwhile the council has set up a hotline for residents to call should they notice unusual behaviours such as hair combing and toe nail cutting.