Health Minster Stephen Barclay has told of his bold plan to plug the shortfall of doctors within the NHS by employing geniuses from the University of life.
Speaking to the Rochdale Herald he said, “For too long the European Union has forced its members to only employ “real” doctors, from “real” universities, using “proper” qualifications.”
“I changed a lightbulb in my shed the other day and I’m not an electrician. I polished my own shoes and I’m not a shoe brush and I warmed up some beans in the microwave yesterday and I’m not a chef.”
“I did all these things by Googling them and watching YouTube videos. Surely we can do away with training doctors when we have YouTube.”
“It takes five years to become a doctor. What’s all that about? I learned how to hard boil and egg the other day on the internet in, like, ten minutes. Bloody skiving freeloaders.
When asked if he would use a “doctor” who had “qualified” in a fortnight, via an old injury and a Google search, Mr Barclay stated, “don’t be so damned impertinent, I’m rich, if you think I’m going to let some commoner touch me then you’re very much mistaken.”
The Herald has also heard through unconfirmed sources that post Brexit the veterinarian shortfall will be filled using cat and dog owners, the food shortage by Mary Berry, and medicines will be made by a former drug addict known only as Big Stan.
There are also rumours of a 2-tier NHS where people can choose to be treated by somebody who has derived all their medical knowledge from talkSPORT phone-ins. The service will be launched on completion of Burger King’s take over of non essential services.