National News

People with absolutely no connection to the United States of America have been inexplicably celebrating US Independence Day today. Cliff Edge told us, "I got into work to be greeted by Janice on reception. She...

Arron Banks from Leave.EU has today clarified that he didn't finance the vote leave campaign that the Electoral Commission has found guilty of overspending during the EU referendum campaign. He is actually being investigated...

British retail workers have revealed that they're looking forward to signing on with blue passports. Cliff Edge told us, "Not having a job or any money will be a drag. I'll probably be feeling quite...

The recent heatwave shows no sign of abating with another four weeks of sunshine forecast by the Met Office. A hosepipe ban has been enacted by local councils as United Utilities has reported an increase...

Working Mum-of-two Linda Green, 43, sorted, washed, dried and folded TWO full loads of laundry yesterday thanks to the heatwave that has swept through the North. "I've never known anything like it," a dazed...

Scottish football fans have said they will up their intake of cocaine this weekend in an effort to demonstrate their solidarity with the Colombian football team against England. Wayne McDonald said, "Aye, I only normally...

A Rochdale man has demanded that the Government step in if the retailer John Lewis goes bust. There are fears that the retailer may be in trouble after it was reported that it posted...

For three days smoke has filled the skies above north Manchester as Saddleworth moor has been seemingly ablaze, leaving North Manchester covered in a fog of settling smoke. The recent heatwaves has caused the grass...

In a move that characterises the Government's inability to understand science it has been announced that they will launch an electric car scrappage scheme in order to combat the CO2 shortage. One over-promoted Government Minister...

With millions of Britons terrified by the recent apparition of a giant ball of fire in the sky, there was further harrowing news today, with health experts confirming the sustained spell of heat will...

The Queen is afraid of the orange mess Trump will make during his visit.  The President of the United States, Donald Trump wants to meet the Queen of England. Queen Elizabeth II really does not want...

Brexiteers have demanded the Government grant settled status to cognitive dissonance. The demands come as many companies that employ lots of people in Britain threaten to turn project fear into project reality. Brexiteer Cliff Edge...

A man who thinks that separating children from their parents and putting them in a cage is a good idea has said that the UK should be more positive about Brexit. POTATUS ambassador to the...

Brexiteers have been scrambling around attempting to tell everyone that 14,000 job losses at Airbus and 3.8 million settled migrants was on a completely different bus. Cliff Edge said, "On the one hand you could...

Experts are tonight warning that Britain's stoner community could run out of things to talk about in as little as 24 hours. The warnings come amidst rumours that the Government is considering legalising cannabis. Dr...

A teenager from Burnley has saved an absolute fortune on Father's Day by having all seven of her children with the same bloke. Kayleigh-Leigh Leigh-Ann Leigh came up with the money saving solution several years...