Scottish football fans have said they will up their intake of cocaine this weekend in an effort to demonstrate their solidarity with the Colombian football team against England.
Wayne McDonald said, “Aye, I only normally do coke on big occasions like old firm games and my birthday. But, I’m making an exception for next week. I’ve put in a call to my dealer and he’s coming up with the goods. I’m gonna be off my nut for 3 solid days. I’ve even got the wife some.”
Andrew McCosney said, “I normally wouldn’t do it because you could end up with a heart attack or something.. Then I heard local dealers are offering 20% off to celebrate the game against England. I’ve bought a grands worth. Well you know how it is? In for a penny, in for a pound.”
Another man told us, “I hope them little shites get what they deserve. I’m putting my entire house down on some Colombian marching powder. Then, once it’s all over I’m going down there to sort some of the little shites out.”
Leading cocaine analysts have been telling us that many industry experts are expecting a bumper weekend of consumption. Jose Hernandez-Maria-Angelo-Ortega-Jimanez-San Miguel-Hierro Da Souza said, “This comes at a time when there are bumper crops of the stuff which has been driving down the price. The market is flooded with cheap cocaine. Wholesalers can no shift a lot of old stock and purchase the rest of what’s kicking around in the market. This will hopefully mean that long term the price will go up.”
It has also been pointed out that cocaine is immune from the CO2 crisis that is gripping the beer industry. Jose Hernandez-Maria-Angelo-Ortega-Jimanez-San Miguel-Hierro Da Souza said, “This is a great time for the cocaine industry to find a new audience. Many people won’t be able to get hold of lager this weekend so we can move them onto cocaine.”
