Experts are tonight warning that Britain’s stoner community could run out of things to talk about in as little as 24 hours. The warnings come amidst rumours that the Government is considering legalising cannabis.

Dr Frederick Seddon of Rochdale College said, “The study that was performed involved a group of cannabis users and a control group of vegan cross-fit teetotallers. They were observed interacting for 48 hours.”

Seddon revealed, “Whilst the vegan teetotallers had a range of tedious stuff to talk about the cannabis users stuck firmly to what they knew and that was cannabis and why it should be legalised.”

Seddon said that many in the cannabis usage group spent much of their time making a case for medicinal marijuana. “Many of them ascribed cannabis oil as a cure for everything from cancer and aids to erectile dysfunction and measles. Most of it is rubbish based on them spending hours watching YouTube videos about cannabis curing cancer and scientists being paid off to help cover it up. This, despite the fact that the Nobel Prize and immortality of being the scientist that cured cancer would overshadow any amount of money you could be paid by a conspiracy. It clearly was more a reflection of what they value than the possibility of nobody noticing trillions of pounds being paid so that a global community of millions cover up the existence of a cure for cancer.”

“No, what it all boiled down to was that they all just wanted to get stoned because they like cannabis. They didn’t really have any interest in medicine beyond pretending cannabis cures every ailment known to man.”

Seddon went on to say, “There could be a decrease in use as well. There were a lot of users who saw smoking cannabis as a rebellion against ‘The Man’. This is clearly rubbish as smoking cannabis is a completely conformist rebellion just like playing punk music, voting for Jeremy Corbyn¬†and telling people you’re an anarchist.”

The study found that ~98% of cannabis users conversation involved aspects of smoking cannabis. Seddon said, “There’s a real chance these people could have absolutely nothing to talk about within 24 hours should cannabis become legal. Without cannabis they may resort to discussing other tedious rubbish like house prices or home improvements. When you look at it like that you have to wonder what the point is.”

However, there is some hope. Cannabis will be made by licensed companies which will mean hipster cannabis users can have tedious conversations about artisan blends and small independent producers.

SHARE
Fact checked by Snopes; Plagiarised by Andrew Neil; Nancy Sinatra's favourite Rochdale satirist; sued by Chris Froome and winner of the 1922 Nobel Prize for Chemistry.* *Not all of these necessarily true.