Brexiteers have demanded the Government grant settled status to cognitive dissonance. The demands come as many companies that employ lots of people in Britain threaten to turn project fear into project reality.

Brexiteer Cliff Edge told us, “Brexit is going to be great for business. Even though businesses keep saying it’s going to be terrible and they’re going to pull out it’s wrong. They’re bluffing. This is all part of project fear. It’s no coincidence that George Soros is funding a campaign for a second vote and now all these companies are threatening to move loads of jobs abroad. It’s just Soros making them say this. In ten year’s time we’ll look back and see this was an amazing thing and everyone will be thanking me.”

Bill Board told us, “I can’t put my finger on why but I’m sure the Eurozone is going to collapse based on everything I learned whilst in the Army firing mortars in Afghanistan.

Have you served?

No.

Well that means your opinion is worthless isn’t it.”

It’s understood that as part of the welcome for cognitive dissonance David Davis will write a column in The Daily Express saying that Brexit is going to be great. The reasons will be vague and everyone will forget that this is the man who said that the Brexit negotiations would be the easiest negotiations ever.

Davis, you’ll remember payed full price or a DFS sofa last year.

Not all Brexiteers were happy about cognitive dissonance being giver settled status. One told us, “Isn’t Psychology Austrian or something? Hitler was Austrian. This is definitely an EU Trojan Horse designed to bring Brexit down from the inside. Burn cognitive dissonance say I.”

It’s understood that cognitive dissonance will be appearing at London’s City Hall next Wednesday where Boris Johnson will present a blue passport.

Fact checked by Snopes; Plagiarised by Andrew Neil; Nancy Sinatra's favourite Rochdale satirist; sued by Chris Froome and winner of the 1922 Nobel Prize for Chemistry.* *Not all of these necessarily true.