Beynonce Knowles

We need buoyancy aids not Beyonce aid, say Houston flood victims

Residents of Houston were bemused by an offer from pop star Beyonce offering help for those affected by the recent flooding. “We asked for buoyancy aids so that we could keep ourselves and our pets...

Facebook Year in Review video reinforces depressed lonely man’s belief that his friendless existence...

Retired upholsterer, Brian Mould, was thrilled to see a bespoke video of his 2016 appear on his Facebook newsfeed earlier this week. Filled with anticipation he gleefully  clicked on the link, not knowing that it...
Soldier

U.S. military buys Viagra after being told troops need to “be hard”

It has emerged this week that the U.S. military spend approximately £63 million annually on the popular medication which aids erectile dysfunction. This baffling finding raises all manner of questions, primarily; why? The result...
Mount Rushmore

Trump vows to chisel four ‘losers’ off Mount Rushmore

President Trump has vowed to have the images of four of his predecessors chiselled off Mount Rushmore, describing them as ‘total losers’. In a statement posted on the official White House website Trump explained...

Oh for F**k’s sake – say world leaders following Trump nomination

Leaders around the world let out a simultaneous sigh of despair last night as the Republican Party confirmed Donald Trump's presidential nomination. In yet another blow for world peace, global stability and perhaps even the...

President Trump to wear eclipse glasses when viewing the news to protect his thin...

It was announced today via Twitter that President Trump will now wear eclipse glasses when viewing the news in order to protect his thin skin. The modification to the President’s usual procedure of pacing back...

Terrifying clown in next Stephen King film to be perma-tanned and have a combover

Stephen King took to twitter today to reveal a juicy nugget regarding his next movie project, ’Idiot’, a sequel to ‘It’, will feature a perma-tanned clown with a combover. The orange skinned clown has been...
Trump Walking

Trump to visit Texas just as soon as the golf courses have been reopened

Donald Trump has announced he intends to visit areas of Texas affected by flooding just as soon as the cleaning operation on Texan golf courses is complete. In a tweet Trump said, "Wow. Just had confirmation...
Donald Trump

Donald Trump blames it on the sunshine, the moonlight and the good times

Donald Trump is blaming pretty much everything for his sudden lack of a sex-life, it has emerged. Sources close to the president have informed the Rochdale Herald that recently he and his wife Melania visited...
Donald Trump

Actor playing Donald Trump forgets stage directions

Due to White House budget cuts, an experienced but cheap actor was selected for the part. Bit part "character actor" Rowle Player is best known for his recurring role as Third Klingon in Star...
Golden eagle

Birds of Prey sue rock band the Eagles

In a landmark case the popular American rock band The Eagles are being sued by a flock of birds for use of the band's name. The Eagles, who won a Grammy for their album Hotel...

Trump Spokesman Revealed As Black Knight

The Herald can exclusively reveal today that the Trump campaign aide, Michael Cohen, is the mysterious Black Knight.   The secretive warrior and guard to stuff that King Arthur needs to get past revealed himself last...

Secret Service distance themselves from Trump’s Twitter account

The Secret Service, the department responsible for the security of the US President, has taken steps to distance themselves from Donald Trump's Twitter account.
Julian Assange

Julian Assange unveils plans to have quiet weekend in front of the TV

Julian Assange has tonight been giving a speech outlining his plans for the weekend. Mr Assange who, was told today by a Swedish prosecutor that rape charges have been dropped made the speech outside the Ecuadorian embassy. In...
Mel Brooks

Mel Brooks confirms rework of The Producers starring Donald Trump about to climax

Veteran comic Mel Brooks, 91, has confirmed that his ambitious live action show, The President, will end shortly with a musical impeachment. Speaking at a rare public appearance as a guest of Dave Chappelle...
Nuclear explosion

“We’re looking forward to getting out” say nuclear weapons. 

Nuclear weapons all over the world are today looking forward to their upcoming launch as an opportunity to stretch their legs.  With launch codes about to be given to President Fuckface Von Clownstick, many weapons...

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