Nuclear holocaust averted as Southern Rail selected to deliver US missile attack
A spokesman for Southern Rail confirmed to the Rochdale Herald that in view of the anticipated two day delay the four minute warning given in advance of nuclear attacks would consequently be extended to 2,880 minutes.
Walkers still putting cheese and onion crisps in wrong coloured bag
Walkers crisps have been told that they're putting cheese and onion crisps in the wrong coloured bag despite everyone knowing that they don't go...
Sanctimonious tax avoiding ex-pat hands back key to city he doesn’t live in for...
London-dwelling sanctimonious tax-avoider Bob Geldof has said he will return his Freedom of the City of Dublin.
Geldof, a remarkably rich registered non-dom who pays...
Audi driver denies allegations he used indicators
An Audi driver from Rochdale has denied allegations that he used his indicators whilst driving on the M62 last Tuesday morning.
At least one woman...
Nigel Farage thrilled to hold onto Question Time Seat
Nigel Farage has responded to criticism from Andrew Neill that Brexit Party no longer has a reason to exist following their total annihilation in the exit...
Burnley schoolgirl goes whole term without getting pregnant
The leader of Burnley council has called for calm today, after it was revealed a Burnley schoolgirl went an entire term without becoming pregnant.
Eric...
Donald Trump calls for a ban on schools after latest US school shooting
So-called 'President' and full-time Twitter troll Donald Trump wants a 'total and complete shutdown' of schools in the US after the Florida School shooting earlier...
Northern supermarket to trial hummus
News is breaking that a well-known northern supermarket is to start selling hummus at some stores at some point in 2021.
It is thought that...
Passengers of runaway train have pointless argument over who should pretend they’re driving
May means May
Passengers on the 11:12 Eurostar return to Britain have had a pointless argument over who is driving. The train, which is rapidly...
Absolute arsehole Winnie Mandela dies aged 81
An absolute arsehole has died in South Africa aged 81.
Rees-Mogg puts his clock back 200 years
Jacob Rees-Mogg has, today woken up in 1818 after instructing his Valet to put his clock back 200 years.
His Butler, Riff Raff told us,...
Study finds Manchester United fans have smallest penises
A new survey of football fans has discovered that Manchester United fans have significantly smaller penises than men who follow other teams.
"It's not just...
Prince Philip deemed fit to work after ATOS work capability assessment
Prince Philip has today gone under the knife for surgery on his dodgy hip.
However 30 minutes later he was deemed fit to work in an...
US celebrates after number of days so far this year overtakes number of mass...
Americans across America are celebrating the fact that for the first time since the invention of calendars there have been more days in the...
Sir Bruce Forsyth declared fit for work by ATOS
British television legend Sir Bruce Forsyth has died at the age of 89 of a chest infection.
Bruce was well known for his dancing and...
Woman’s bad mood CURED by random bloke telling her to ‘smile’
A Rochdale woman has miraculously found the secret to happiness by following the guidance of a male passerby who told her to 'smile, love,...
