A pair of lucky childless bastards have managed to book an off-season five star holiday to an empty resort at a cost of almost exactly fuck all.

Mark and Emma Warner, 37 and 32, found the all-inclusive trip to Mauritius completely by chance while planning a ski trip to Tignes that won’t involve children.

Mark said: “I wasn’t even looking for a beach holiday in Mauritius in November, I was planning a ski trip to France with about a dozen other childless mates from Uni when I stumbled across it.”

“Don’t get me wrong, we’re going to do both. At these prices we’d be crazy not to. It’s cheaper than staying at home.”

“It looks really nice, luxury all the way. One of those rooms on stilts in the sea. The rooms even have hot tubs on their own deck and private swimming pools.”

“We went to Mexico last year and we were literally the only people in the hotel, it’s nice to get some peace and quiet.”

Former friends Steve and Barbara Dickinson, parents of two children under nine years old told The Rochdale Herald: “Brilliant. We’re fucking thrilled for them. They better not send a postcard.”

“Have you tried going on holiday with kids. Theresa May has had more relaxing weeks as Prime Minister and Boris Johnson was her Foreign Secretary.”

“We might go to Centre Parcs for three days again this year and cry ourselves to sleep every night, if we’re lucky. The choice seems to be that or never being able to afford to retire.”

Barbara has unfollowed Emma on Instagram.