The man from Del Monte in critical condition with scurvy
80's TV ad star and renowned juice producer, Derek Monte, was rushed to hospital yesterday and immediately diagnosed with scurvy, a debilitating illness caused by a severe vitamin C deficiency that commonly affected pirates...
Naked gym guy insists “I’m just high on life”
Reports are circulating that a middle aged man stripped stark bollock naked last night at local budget gym, LoveMuscle.
Eyewitnesses claim he was beating his hairy chest with his fists and foaming at the mouth...
Farron leaving politics to watch VHS of “Brokeback Mountain” in mountains with friend
Tim Farron, Leader of the Liberal Democrats is set to resign his position after an embarrassing swing in his constituency, that saw him slimmly re-elected with only 700 votes.
The Westmoreland and Lonsdale MP lost...
Man whose toast popped at the same time as his kettle boiled causes black...
A Welshman had a shock today when a black hole opened in his kitchen.
The man, who can't be named because his name is unpronounceable in Welsh, told us that the black hole opened...
KPMG look for pension fund down the back of their sofa
The Senior Outsourcing Revenue Maximisation Vice President for KPMG, the 'big four?' auditor under fire for signing off Carillion's accounts months before its collapse, has pleaded ignorance to the £2.6Billion pensions shortfall and eye...
‘Childhood vaccines prolonged my agonising march towards death’ claims nihilist.
A local nihilist has started a campaign against vaccinations, arguing that they force children to endure the pain and sadness of their futile existence.
Stephen Bowers, 19, has been handing out leaflets around Rochdale in...
Mexico Offers to Purchase Channel Tunnel Following Brexit
A Mexican conglomerate has offered to purchase the Channel Tunnel when Britain formally leaves the European Union.
Juan Tunnelsunda, CEO of Tunnels 2 US, a new Mexican startup company, said, “Once Britain leaves the EU...
Daily Express launches Diana 20th anniversary commemorative sticker album
The Daily Express and Panini have announce the launch of a commemorative sticker album for the 20th anniversary of the late Princess Diana.
Express readers will be given the opportunity to purchase the album for...
IRS look forward to “getting to the bottom” of Trump’s Federal Income Tax “I’m...
Surgical glove manufacturer Sphinctoraw Inc got a surprise order for 110,000 pairs of elbow length surgical gloves from the IRS.
The order was placed about three minutes after Donald Trump said he paid no...
Smallbridge Flats Man Convinced Pigeon Likes to Watch him Hoover Naked
While spending a good portion of his weekly income on the Euromillions, Mr. Garry Lee Shaw complained about the fifth or even sixth time that week that he’d seen the exact same pigeon outside...
Donald Trump’s Golf Partner Outraged at Sexist Muirfield
Rory McIlroy, who plays golf with a man who openly questioned Hilary Clinton's ability to sexually satisfy her husband, has continued his criticism of Muirfield despite the club voting to admit women members.
"I still...
Manilow ditches piano for oboe
In a shock move American pianist singer songwriter Barry Manilow has announced that he is abandoning the piano in favour of the oboe.
Manilow said Thursday that while he enjoyed a good session fingering the...
Jeremy Corbyn to cross floor to lead the Conservative Party
Written off as a hopeless loser, terrorist supporter and left-wing extremist at the start of last week's general election campaign, Jeremy Corbyn has risen like a phoenix from the ashes of his early days...
Netflix wins rights to top North Korean show Kim’ll fix it
Netflix have been named as winners of a bidding war that saw them win the rights to show the hit Korean show, Kim'll Fix It.
The show started life when Kim would travel around North...
Anti-Vaxxer has very messy carpet
In an ironic twist that would give Alanis Morissette a run for her money, local Anti-Vaxx campaigner Tarquin O'Flerfer is reported to have a very messy carpet.
Rochdale Anti-Vaxxer Tarquin O'Flerfer is often in the...
Nation Ecstatic As Dapper Laughs Finally Disappears Up Own Arse
Finally some good news! The nation was overcome with emotion today as positive confirmation came through that sexual assault based 'comedian' and professional pick up artist Dapper Laughs had at long last vanished up...
