Rochdale Council has announced the removal of pedestrian crossings from in front of schools as early as next week.

The decision comes in a week when it was announced that 98% of children in Britain are obese by the second trimester.

Councillor Brindley said, “We badly need to get the number of obese children down. It puts strain on costly school furniture which in turn puts strain on school budgets.”

Dr Frederick Seddon of Rochdale College said, “This will see children having to cross busy roads. The more obese children will be at risk of being run over but their thinner, more agile counterparts will thrive. The resources saved on the obese kids can then be better invested in thinner kids.”

It’s understood that some teaching staff are worried about the move. “The problem is that you’ll be left with having to talk to the slightly psychotic, overly competitive fitness fanatic parents at parents evening. Also, bake sales will be replaced by kale smoothie sales. Have you ever had a kale smoothie? No. That’s because you have tastebuds.”

Councillor Brindley said, “We’ve tried education. We’ve tried healthy eating classes. We’ve even tried fat kids sports like dodge ball, cricket and golf. And still, you ask them what they did at the weekend and they ate 48 family buckets at KFC with their parents. Enough is enough. Last term 48,971 chairs were destroyed alone. In one school we’ve had to replace the minibus with a monster truck because nothing else has a suspension strong enough.”

It’s understood that the removal of pedestrian crossings from in front of schools could be a boon to some local business owners. Car body shop owners were recently spotted enquiring how much swimming pools would cost to install in their homes.

The NHS has also welcomed the news saying it could improve the supply of organ donors.