Waitrose are launching a range of food that will taste of nothing and cost “shit-loads more” in their London stores.

Quentin Danvers, Head of Pretentious Nonsense at Waitrose said “Londoners are leading a trend towards buying products without something in or with nothing in particular removed” he said sitting backwards on his chair. “Last year we doubled the sales of Lard by advertising it as being Sugar Free” he told us

UK supermarkets are increasingly stocking aisles with wide ranges of bland, tasteless products, from biscuits & bolognaise to bread & bagels.

Danvers said that while only about 3% of the population needed to avoid certain food groups for medical reasons, 84% of London households joined the trend this year by buying at least one product that tasted really, really bad but claimed to be “free” of anything from gluten to macadamia nuts.

“Not only do they think that it makes them more interesting to their friends, but also it helps them to deal with their pseudo-guilt at not being Vegan” he continued

Households containing people aged under 45 were 70% more likely to buy food that was vastly overpriced and yet was more bland that the packaging it arrived in he said.

The new range, called “Elephants Up Trees” is expected in stores by next Easter and will come in boxes made from recycled toilet paper.