National News

The recent ransomware attack on the NHS and many others across the world definitely means that GCHQ need to read your email, announced the government today. "We definitely have to have access to all...

Tim Farron has today visited a primary school in Bacup in an effort to convince voters that the Lib Dems absolutely, cross their hearts hope to die, will not fuck it up over education this time...

Theresa May has today unveiled plans to improve the diet of malnourished children in areas with high levels poverty. "This is a great policy that kills two pheasants with one load of buckshot" said the Prime Minister. "With...

Conservatives clap to celebrate clear lead as misdirectional muppetry f/makes news yet again after the Telegraph published the definitely not at all orchestrated and not tailored to a chosen demographic ICM poll results. "It's a genius plan,...

Jeremy Corbyn has pledged to support the Conservative Party's promise to repeal the fox hunting ban. This appears to be the result of him mishearing "hunting" and believing they are intent on repealing a ban...

The soldier formerly know as "Marine A" has finally been released following his time served for slaughtering an injured enemy combatant and recording his crime in full audio and video. But he has complained the media...

The Duke of Edinburgh’s retirement is entirely down to one thing, it would seem. Speculation has been rife ever since the announcement, but now it turns out it’s all about hats. Despite being the...

Accident prone Paul Nuttall, leader of UKIP, faced fresh tragedy today after learning that all his ‘close personal seats’ were lost in an election catastrophe. Grim-faced Paul had returned home after spending time on the...

Everyone is always talking about the youthful composure of our national treasure Prince Phillip. Now his retirement has been announced, the spritely Greek has revealed his secret. In an exclusive retirement interview he told...

A leaked copy of the Conservative Party's election manifesto has revealed plans to crackdown on 'luxury' items being handed out to those forced to attend at food banks. The policy is believed to have been...

Patriots across Ingerlaand are furious today after hearing that it's Po Ling Day. “Why we celebrating some bleeding foreigner, eh?” spat Rochdale UKIP supporter Arthur Witt, “I didn't hear nuffing about Saint George's day the...

Prince Philip has today gone under the knife for surgery on his dodgy hip. However 30 minutes later he was deemed fit to work in an ATOS work capability assessment. "He's able to walk, talk and use his...

Paul Nuttall will be assuming the position of Duke of Edinburgh, following the retirement of Prince Philip, he has confirmed. “It’s the perfect job, really,” he told the Rochdale Herald. “It means I’m in charge...

An Emergency meeting was called at Buckingham palace earlier this week after the penny dropped with Prince Philip in regards to Brexit and complications with European immigration "Oh bollocks, I'm Greek and she's German, what if they send...

With all the scientific rigour of a hippy Merlin with a bone through his nose, the BBC headlines recently included the assertion that the herb rosemary really does help memory. A study, which was almost...