Accident prone Paul Nuttall, leader of UKIP, faced fresh tragedy today after learning that all his ‘close personal seats’ were lost in an election catastrophe.
Grim-faced Paul had returned home after spending time on the campaign trail when he was notified that every single one of his seats had been lost. Tears trickling down his little wrinkly face, Nuttall stared aimlessly into space as party aides tried to comfort him.
“Coming so soon after the death of his mates in the Hillsborough disaster and the loss of his high-earning job as one of England’s most talented professional football stars, it’s a bitter pill to take…”, said Irma Nutter, UKIP’s spin paramedic (they can’t afford a spin doctor).
Wreaths and tributes have started to be laid at the stairs leading up to UKIP party headquarters, just above the chip shop, no cold callers please, no free newspapers.
One bunch of dead roses from a party stalwart had a note attached that read: “We tryed to take are cuntry back but all gone, gone, gone…”