Paul Nuttall will be assuming the position of Duke of Edinburgh, following the retirement of Prince Philip, he has confirmed.

“It’s the perfect job, really,” he told the Rochdale Herald. “It means I’m in charge of all those Scotchies, and they have to do what I tell them. If I tell them , ‘you’ve got to stay in the UK you heathenish Scotchies’, there’s nothing they can do about it.”

When asked if he had any specific plans for the position, he said, “well, for starters I’ll be able to stomp on all them horrible Muslamic ones. When that’s done, Scotland will be a proper English suburb again, just as it should be.”

He certainly seems to be relishing the prospect, and added, “and of course now you can’t touch me when I ride into town on my unicorn. And if it shits everywhere, you’ve got to clean it up.”

The prediction that there will be shit everywhere sounds disturbingly accurate. But I don’t think it’ll be from any four-legged animal, somehow.