Local News

An honest cat has admitted to its owner that the only reason it hasn’t eaten her is down to her relative size. The cat explained that it will gladly kill and eat just about any...

As the heatwave currently hitting the UK enters its third day water companies across Britain have enforced hose pipe bans once again. Despite months of endless downpours, and one of the wettest winters on record,...

Sheffield council yesterday accepted they had fundamentally misunderstood the concept of 'socialism'.  Following a vehement rejection by local residents of their plan to cut down eight mature trees alongside Rustling Road in Sheffield, and contrary...

It's been a fairly typical week for Rochdale's "MP" after he found himself at the centre of another embarrassing shit storm. In another in a series of decisions Simon has lived to regret, which have...

The British Army was deployed in Burnley town centre earlier today to quell civil unrest apparently taking place in the city's popular shopping district. Army chiefs were dismayed to discover the source of the problem...

The Department of Health have launched an inquiry into an outbreak of Hepatitis B at a Rochdale WI knitting needle swap scheme after untreated cases resulted in the death of sixteen members.  Problems seemed to...

The EU move to ban phosphates in donner kebabs has sent a shockwave through the British culinary world. Keith Braithwaite, local restaurateur and winner of Burnley's only certificate for food safety said "Let's face it,...

Reports from GMP Rochdale are somewhat vague to say the least, so the minimum we can assume from the information supplied is the horse is somewhere between the size of a cat and a dinosaur. It's definitely...

Hundreds of Burnley schoolchildren are now aware of the existence of deodorant thanks to the recent playground craze. The craze involves spraying deodorant from a can onto bare skin until the recipient can no longer...

A Rochdale resident who regularly invokes the Blitz Spirit has been out an panic bought 70 bottles of hand sanitizer today. Bill Board regularly greets minor annoyances such as train delays and getting stuck in...

A homeless Rochdale man has been telling the Herald about how he's fed up of virtue signalling people only buying him McDonald's meals. David Wild told the Herald, "You see them looking at you then...

The creator of the World Wide Web has today declared that he officially "cannot be arsed" with the Internet anymore.  This comes after the revelation that people like Linda Blanston (name changed to protect her...

“You have to send help.” Dr Thump implored the emergency operator. “If this jelly gets out of my fridge there is no telling what it will do. It might start a nuclear war or worse.”

UKIP were forced to admit today that big words like "joke" and "obvious" are generally beyond their grasp. The announcement came after a social media poo storm followed the announcement by Bromley UKIP Councillor Terry...

In a miraculous change of heart Rochdale Online has decided to give the suspended MP Simon Danczuk a break. Editor Sandra Simonhater said "He did nowt wrong today" instead opting to report on Rochdale...