A woman whose cats regularly rape strangers in bushes on nights out has insisted that her cats are like her children.

Part time hairdresser Barbara Dickinson, 42 and a bit, insists that there is literally no difference to the way she feels towards her murdering rapist of a cat than the way normal people feel about their children.

Dickinson said: “Mr Twinkles is a lovely cuddly cat. He’s a very snugly good little boy. I really love him. Coochy coochy coo.”

“He’s my ickle wickle baby and mummy loves him. Yes she does.”

Mr Twinkles is a feline of interest in the case of several hundred murdered song birds, the neighbour’s rabbit and the rape dozens of other cats.

“Isn’t he cute.”

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Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.