State of emergency declared as Hurricane Dorian heads towards rich white people

Category 4 hurricane 'Dorian' has caused devastation throughout the Bahamas this week. The hurricane has broken previous records of longest sustained category 5 status and has had winds of up to 185mph, causing catastrophic damage...
White House Christmas

Children excited it’s only three US defence secretaries until Christmas

Children all across America are giddy with excitement that it is now officially only three US defence secretaries until Christmas morning. The news comes after the last adult in the White House, General Jim Mattis,...

DUP ask Merkel for one billion Euros to give her their support in Bundestag

News broke this morning that the Northern Ireland political party, the DUP, has demanded one billion euros from Angela Merkel in order to support her CDU party in the Bundestag. It's believed Ms Merkel is...
Farage in Russian hat

Kremlins useful idiots deny that they’re Kremlins useful idiots

A bunch of useful idiots have denied that they are useful idiots today after a series of e-mails seemed to prove that they were in fact useful idiots for the Russian Government. One of the...

Americans relieved to learn shooter was atheist

Concerned Americans were today relieved to hear that the Texas shooting was carried out by a human rights supporting atheist. Initially, US citizens were horrified to hear that the worst ever mass shooting in Texas...

Am I Mexican? Ask Trump voters after he says USA will pay for Wall

The recently announced decision that the wall between Mexico and the USA will be built using American taxpayers money under a piece of legislation drawn up and abandoned by the George W Bush administration...

Chemical Attack was fake news says Asshat

Bashir Assad has denied an attack on Khan Sheikhoun ever took place. “The attack was a fiction of the Western press,” said the Syrian leader who previously said by proxy that it was an attack...
Donald Trump

Too soon since last mass shooting and not long enough before next one to...

In the wake of the latest mass shooting in a bar in Ohio that has claimed the lives of at least 9 people The White House has released a statement saying it's "too...
Melania Trump

Melania did not have sex with horrible old men for money admits Daily Mail

The Daily Mail have gone on the record today to say that Melania Trump did not and never has had sex with any horrible old men for money. "Melania has definitely never had sex with...

Trump abandons plans to build wall, resolves to plant Leylandii hedge on Mexican border

Donald Trump has announced that he's no longer going to demand money to build a wall at the border between the United States and Mexico. Instead, he intends to spend a couple of grand...
Westboro Baptist Church

Westboro Baptist Churchgoers saddened by news that God actually hates FAQ’s

Congregation of famously homophobic church disheartened to learn that The Almighty is 'proper hacked off with being asked the same dumb shit over and over again'. Topeka, Kansas, and following God's stunning comeback on Sunday,...
Donald Trump

Worst thing to happen in America today was my hair got wet, Trump tells...

The actual real life president of the United States of America told the Future Farmers of America Convention that the worst thing to happen in America yesterday was his hair got a bit wet. Dystopian...
Donald Trump

Trump’s American Dream – 25 Million to Leave the Country

Donald J. Trump unveiled a pledge on Thursday to create 25 million jobs over the next decade, but experts are arguing whether they strictly qualify as jobs. In remarks that may stir new consternation abroad,...
Trump Airplane

Trump locked out of nuclear football after entering incorrect code three times and forgetting...

Apparently POTUS did get Ivanka to click on the “forgotten your password?” help icon on the device that destroys worlds and was offered a series of security questions in order to reset his password.

Monkey spanking decriminalised in Italy

A man known only as Pietro L was charged with a public disorder offence earlier this year after being caught choking his chorizo on the University of Catania campus in Italy. However, it has now...

Donald Trump is a twat, confirm G6 leaders

Leader's of the G6 have agreed on the text of a communique officially declaring that Donald Trump is a twat. One spokesperson said, "It's been a tough few days. It didn't look like anyone was...

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