The actual real life president of the United States of America told the Future Farmers of America Convention that the worst thing to happen in America yesterday was his hair got a bit wet.

Dystopian shit-stick Donald Trump was making a statement to reporters about the mass shooting at a Synagogue in Pittsburgh when the tragedy happened.

“It was really distressing.” An eye witness who was caught up in the disaster told The Rochdale Herald.

“He was stood under the wing of Air Force One trotting out the usual pro-NRA we should buy more guns platitudes and how it was the fault of the victims for not wearing bullet proof vests when a bit of water dripped on him.”

“I’ve been a reporter for decades and I’ve rarely seen a more tragic scene and I covered the release of Victoria Beckham’s solo album.”

“Trump’s hair is pretty tragic at the best of times, when it’s wet though. Christ knows how I’m going to get that image out of my mind. Did anybody else not know he’s almost completely bald? I was pretty surprised to find out I can tell you.”

Flights from Indianopolis have been grounded for the foreseeable future while emergency services in chemical warfare suits try to get hairspray residue off the tarmac.

“It’s unclear when we might be able to use the airport again.” A spokesman for FEMA told us.

“It looks like some of this stuff got between the wheels of Air Force One and the runway. We have no idea how we’re going to free it.”

About a dozen perfectly good human beings were shot at a Synagogue in Pittsburgh yesterday. Our hearts ache for their families and loved ones.

Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.