Now that passports are blue again I might get one, says 50 year old...

A fifty year old racist fuckwit has told The Rochdale Herald that he is over the moon that passports are now going to be blue again. "Now that passports are going to be blue again...
Michael Gove

Being interviewed about your job is a bit like being raped, says chinless toad

The United Kingdom has apologised "unreservedly" for making Michael Gove a Cabinet Minister after he compared being raped to being a bit like being politely asked questions about his job during an interview on Radio...

What’s Sinister about asking academics to wear armbands to identify themselves? Asks Conservative MP

A conservative MP and government whip has written to all of the universities in the UK demanding that all the academics and experts in the UK wear armbands with an EU logo on them. Chris...

David Davis and Liam Fox successfully negotiate paying full price for DFS sofa

Liam Fox and David Davis have been telling reporters how they were able to utilise their formidable negotiating skills to buy a new sofa at full price from DFS. Davis said, "I knew when we...

Wolverhampton and Dudley will declare independence from the West Midlands ‘in a matter of...

Wolverhampton & Dudley will declare independence from the West Midlands in a matter of days, the leader of the autonomous region has told the Rochdale Herald. Following a heated meeting on Sunday at Mad O'Rourke's...
Conservative Party

ISIS claim responsibility for Conservative Party Conference

The attackers wrote Boris’s jokes, Theresa May’s speech and arranged for all the letters to fall off the wall behind the Prime Minister during her main conference address in an audacious display of comic timing.
Right-hand drive chaos

Yorkshire driving ban on women to be lifted

The King of Yorkshire, His Majesty Geoffrey Boycott the first, has issued a decree allowing women to drive within the Sovereign state for the first time, to the joy of activists. Yorkshire had been...
Rees Mogg

Argument for abortion makes argument against abortion

Underchinned Tory leadership hopeful Jacob Rees-Mogg has upset both women and homosexuals today by saying he is opposed to same-sex marriage and abortion under any circumstances. "I'm catholic, and according to my beliefs abortion is...
David Davis

David Davis replaced as Brexit negotiator by two short planks

The government announced this morning that Chief Brexit negotiator David Davis is to be replaced by two short planks. It's believed the replacement of Mr. Davis with a pair of stout pieces of wood will...
Downing Street

DUP advises British Gas customers to burn witches and Catholics to keep warm this...

Princess Diana's body is to be exhumed and hung on a gibbet outside Buckingham Palace to commemorate the 20th anniversary of the last witch-hunt in Britain. The key text for the DUP's policy is Daemonologie,...
Tony Blair tattoo

Tony Blair reveals ‘only God can judge me’ tattoo

Tony Blair has revealed his new tattoo. Mr Blair got the tattoo during a drunken night at Silvio Berlusconi's villa. The tattoo says, "Only God can judge me" in Aramaic and is located on...

Dead mice brought in by cats to be declared part of household income in...

Cat-owners are now being asked to count any rodents or birds left on their doorstep as declarable earnings in their application for means-tested benefits, according to government sources. The latest guidelines issued to employees of...

Jeremy Corbyn under investigation after making vicar’s daughter cry during hustings

Leftist wheat-eater Jeremy Corbyn came under fire from his own back-benchers today, after being accused of making a girl cry, and not just any girl, but a vicar's daughter, of all people. The accusations that...

Rescue Workers Call Off Search for Theresa May’s Credibility

Rescue workers hunting through the wreckage of Theresa May's career have called off the search for the remains of her credibility. They made the announcement at 1.30pm today as she stuffed £1.5Bn in used...
Amber Rudd

Amber Rudd launches Hate Thy Neighbour initiative

Amber Rudd announced plans today to crack down on the current outbreak of human compassion sweeping the country. Compassion has been on the rise recently after a series of disasters have brought communities together to...

Right wing extremist appears on Good Morning Britain to interview Tommy Robinson

Good Morning Britain producers made the controversial choice today of asking a divisive, opinionated, loud mouth to appear on their show. Piers Morgan was reportedly shocked by the request, as that's already his job. However,...

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