The United Kingdom has apologised “unreservedly” for making Michael Gove a Cabinet Minister after he compared being raped to being a bit like being politely asked questions about his job during an interview on Radio 4 this morning.

The environment secretary, whose biological parents wisely abandoned him as a child, compared being interviewed by presenter John Humphrys to being physically attacked and sexually molested by an overweight, angry movie producer.

He added: “You just hope you emerge with your dignity intact.”

To which John Humphrys responded: “It would help of course if you had some in the first place you chinless toad.”

While the Labour Peer Lord Kinnock chuckled and agreed saying John Humphrys “goes way beyond groping.”

The Rochdale Herald had actually forgotten Baron Kinnock was still alive, we thought he had gorged himself to death at the trough of EU bureaucracy and was rotting on the floor of his son’s St Petersburg grace and favour apartment. He really has one by the way.

Mr Gove immediately faced a backlash, particularly on Twitter after Nick Robinson posted his “joke” in full. He has subsequently apologised by saying it was a “clumsy attempt at humour”.

Oh well that’s okay then Gove, you spineless sock puppet.

Mr Weinstein has been accused of raping and sexually assaulting dozens of women.

Mr Gove said: “Sometimes, I think coming into the studio with you John is a bit like going into Harvey Weinstein’s bedroom.”

“You hope to leave with your dignity intact.”

It’s still impossible to look at a photo of Michael Gove without muttering “twat”.