Liam Fox and David Davis have been telling reporters how they were able to utilise their formidable negotiating skills to buy a new sofa at full price from DFS.

Davis said, “I knew when we went in that they’d try every trick in the book to get themselves the best deal. I’d already assessed how much the sofa was worth after seeing an advert for it on the side of a bus. I told the young chap behind the counter that we wouldn’t pay any more than what I was offering. I was very British and stood firm no matter what he said. After briefly trying to haggle he accepted our offer. It’ll be delivered next week.”

Shop assistant Martin Williams told us, “He just came in and asked if I had the authority to make a deal. Then he offered full price for the sofa. I tried to tell him there was a managers offer on it and it was reduced by 70%. He just said he wasn’t going to be held hostage by a faceless bureaucrat at head office. I gave in after a while and charged him full price for it.”

Liam Fox said, “You could tell the silly little boy sales assistant thought he was some sort of sofa expert. He kept trying to say that we didn’t need to pay full price. Frankly, I’ve had enough of experts. We told him that we’d take our business elsewhere if he wouldn’t let us pay full price for it. We won in the end. He should get over it.”

This isn’t the first time Fox and Davis have shown off their negotiating skills. At last months party conference one bemused newsagent sold Davis a copy of The Metro.

The shopkeeper told us, “On the first day they came in and saw a copy of The Metro on the counter. Davis insisted he buy it and gave me £1.50 for it. The next day Fox came in.

He told me I should be ashamed because I’d overcharged Davis for his copy the previous day. Then he gave me 75p and told me I’d have to lump it if I didn’t like it. He said there were plenty of foreign newspapers he could buy instead and left with that days copy of The Metro.”

The Herald can also reveal that Davis and Fox are holding discussions with Mike Ashley. They discussed the possibility of buying Sports Direct mugs and Newcastle United.

Fact checked by Snopes; Plagiarised by Andrew Neil; Nancy Sinatra's favourite Rochdale satirist; sued by Chris Froome and winner of the 1922 Nobel Prize for Chemistry.* *Not all of these necessarily true.