Rescue workers hunting through the wreckage of Theresa May’s career have called off the search for the remains of her credibility. They made the announcement at 1.30pm today as she stuffed £1.5Bn in used £5 notes under the door of a toilet in Belfast.

Previously search & rescue teams had been frantically working day and night looking amongst Fox Hunting enthusiasts and Ivory Traders for any sign of something that seemed to make any sense to anyone.

Literally anyone….

Hopes were raised in April when a large cloud of what was thought to be Political Arrogance was seen above Downing Street. However this turned out to be smoke from a massive pile of Tory Manifestos being burned before anyone could do a U-turn count.

With time running out, and without a hint of irony, workers were forced to steal children’s school lunches to support themselves.

Conservative Party Search & Rescue Co-ordinator Michael Gove said;

‘Honestly we had no idea she was this much of a total fucking car-crash. I mean, come on, who knew right? When she was making such a bang-up job of being Home Secretary….no wait a minute, she was pretty shit at that….well when she was giving those charismatic speeches to the conferen…..nope, they were pretty abysmal……we’ve done this shit to ourselves, haven’t we?

It’s like we hired the same recruiters who appointed Ed Miliband to Labour and asked them ‘do you have anyone else who is completely socially fucking awkward and totally fucking out of touch with the population?….. you do? Great news….when can she fucking start….!’

Jeremy Corbyn said his thoughts and prayers are with the Conservative Party and that he was off to B&Q to start picking out the wallpaper for Downing Street.