Princess Diana’s body is to be exhumed and hung on a gibbet outside Buckingham Palace to commemorate the 20th anniversary of the last witch-hunt in Britain.

The key text for the DUP’s policy is Daemonologie, written by King James I as recently as 1597. A copy will be sent to every non-Catholic in the UK and is to be kept upon your person at all times. Not being in possession of a copy is to be a burnable offence. The UVF will be responsible for upholding this policy.

The DUP has already set up a black cat hotline. Dial 666 if you suspect a neighbour to be harbouring a familiar.

The move has been glowingly described as ‘truly regressive’ by the Daily Telegraph. It has praised the DUP as “the only party which has so far offered practical advice to hard-up Brits. The policy has been launched with the slogan “witch-burning is for life, not just for Christmas”. Good Protestant families are being urged to invite Catholic friends round for a house-warming party.

Some sections of the press are already scapegoating witches for the country’s problems. The Daily Mail has led calls to bring back the ducking stool.

British Gas condemned the DUP’s stance. In a leaflet issued with every bill, British Gas described the policy as ‘inhumane’. It also offered the mealy-mouthed advice to ‘put another jumper on, wimps’. It is irrelevant that the 12½% increase in gas prices is in line with the increase in MP’s salaries. British Gas, having bought the electricity company and the water works, is winning at monopoly.

In further good news for consumers, gas will now be reclassified as a luxury item and will be subject to VAT at the full rate of 20%.