Government approves £118M fire safety upgrade, including sprinklers, for the Houses of Parliament

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Britain's greatest female Prime Minister, announced in a key note speech, that her Government has learned the lessons of Grenfell.  £118 million has been committed to urgently address fire safety issues. "Since we took back...

MP’s take well deserved autumn break after sorting out all UK’s problems

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Westminster is demob happy today as hundreds of MPs pack their bags and await their family’s driver to come and collect them for half term. “I barely recall what my family looks like,” one excited...

Crackdown on Russian fake pro-Brexit social media profiles leaves only 200 Nigel Farage accounts...

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A crackdown today on Russian fake pro-Brexit social media profiles by Facebook and other social media platforms has left only 200 Nigel Farage accounts open. The unprecedented move was a result of the discovery that...
Sofa

David Davis and Liam Fox successfully negotiate paying full price for DFS sofa

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Liam Fox and David Davis have been telling reporters how they were able to utilise their formidable negotiating skills to buy a new sofa at full price from DFS. Davis said, "I knew when we...

Britain leaves E.U. in last night’s dress and no tights

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At 6.30 this morning, Britain hailed a taxi while attempting to wipe off the worst of last night's make-up, confident in the knowledge that the best possible Brexit deal had been secured. After the key...

May to leave dinner middle of main course and refuse to say what she’ll...

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Downing Street has rushed to reassure an anxious British public today that the prime minister will leave her dinner with EU counterparts this evening in the middle of the main course and refuse to...
Chris Grayling

We can just eat cats, dogs and harvest organ meat from the poor if...

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British farmers would just start rounding up household pets for meat in the event of the UK leaving the EU without a trade deal, a cabinet minister has suggested. The Transport Secretary Chris Grayling made...
Trump Airplane

Trump state visit downgraded amid protest fears

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It has been announced that President Trump’s forthcoming visit to the UK has been downgraded from a full state visit. POTUS was invited to meet the Queen at Buckingham Palace by Theresa May earlier in...

David Davis reveals he’s accidentally been attending PTA meetings in Brussels and has no...

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There were refreshing bursts of honesty in the ritual Brexit update today when David Davis revealed he’s only just worked out he’s been attending PTA meetings and has no idea what’s been going on...

Poppy Squad to begin patrolling UK streets from next week

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Poppy Enforcement Directive Officers (PEDO's) are to begin patrolling the UK's streets from next week, the Government has announced. The officers, obese men dressed in black with ruddy complexions who only speak in capital letters...

Heath department hails compulsory organ donation as possible way to pay for Brexit

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Sources inside the Department of Health this evening are said to be excited over the Secretary of State's alleged contribution to the debate about how to pay for Brexit. It's believed that by putting a...
Houses of Parliament

Government exempts itself from report on racism

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The Government quickly moved to exempt itself from the report released yesterday which found major inequalities on racial grounds in UK organisations. Speaking without coughing her guts up for once, Prime Minister Teresa 'Honky'...

David Cameron admits he’s actually a working-class Liverpudlian

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Former Prime Minister David Cameron has admitted that, contrary to popular conception, he’s actually a working-class Liverpudlian. Cameron made the shock admission during an exclusive interview with respected conservative political magazine ‘Football and girls...
Boris Johnson

Keep me out of the news says BoJo

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A BBC news anchor disappeared in a cloud of bitter irony recently whilst reporting the story surrounding the Foreign Secretary’s reported texts asking to keep him out of the news. Boris Johnson is apparently...
Putin Trump

Trump and Putin plan the partition of Poland

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It’s been revealed that American President Donald Trump and Russian President Vladamir Putin have agreed to partition Poland between their two countries. Both leaders agreed that whenever despots come to power ‘it’s Poland which...
Theresa May

UK to hold referendum on whether or not to carry on pretending May knows...

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The Home Office announced this morning that voters in the U.K. will be asked to tick yes or no again in a referendum shortly. This time the question will be whether or not to...

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