Britain’s greatest female Prime Minister, announced in a key note speech, that her Government has learned the lessons of Grenfell.  £118 million has been committed to urgently address fire safety issues.

“Since we took back control, the Houses of Parliament, and those of us whom serve within, have become even more important to the Great British Public.  This urgent upgrade, provided at a fair market rate by A. Daley International Enterprises, of Chiswick, will also help stimulate West London business post-Grenfell.

“However, and mark my words, we only do this because of the importance of having a strong and stable Parliament.  The public will understand that spending £118 million on Parliament means there is pressure on public finances, and no money available for similar upgrades to social housing tower blocks.”

A campaign to discredit London Fire Brigade commissioner Dany “Dot” Cotton as some “Fireman Pam” bird that cares about women’s stuff, is already under way after her comments that fitting sprinklers to Council tower blocks “can’t be optional; can’t be a “nice to have” [and] must happen.”

Jane Urquhart, portfolio holder for housing at Nottingham City Council, commented: “The government has found the resources necessary to install sprinklers in the Houses of Parliament as a sensible fire safety precaution for the safety of those who work and visit there. It does seem strange that, at the same time, the housing minister deems sprinklers in social housing tower blocks not to be essential to ensure the safety of our tenants.”

A spokesperson for the Department for Communities and Local Government (DCLG) responded: “not my problem, get rekt,” with the nation’s greatest female Prime Minister adding “Where’s Nottingham?”

In entirely unrelated news that in no way is further evidence of those self-absorbed self-centred utter hypocrites you, yes you, voted for, it is proposed that someone leaving hospital should wait 6 weeks before they are eligible for Universal Credit, whereas the standards applicable to Parliament mean a new MP will be met within their first week to be told how to claim expenses.

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Like many satirists, Johnny Wapping accepts he is an arsehole, and thinks society could be better if we were all willing to accept what arseholes we are. If you see him on Facebook, why not ask if he’s read the article?