National News

Conspiracy theorists have reported feeling conflicted after scientists revealed that wearing a mask protects wearers from 5G. Lab Tech, Frederick Seddon of Rochdale College told us, " Recent research suggests that people wearing masks don't...

Jim Bowen, the comedian and inventor of darts is to receive a full viking funeral. Mr Bowen, who invented the game of "darts" in the 1970's, died yesterday at the age of 80. He will...

A woman from Rochdale has admitted that she doesn't really like Earl Grey tea because it tastes horrible. Winifred Barbarella from Milnrow (35 and three quarters), who wishes to remain anonymous, is an unemployed personal...

Nigel Farage has confirmed that when he or his party talk of 'the Blitz spirit' he is referring to the act of cowering on the top deck of a bus because somebody has been...

Middle class mums all over the Home Counties are being credited with a reversal to the effects of Global Warming after tens of thousands of them drove enormous Range Rovers to their local Waitrose...

With Burns Night suppers planned across Scotland tonight, people are gearing up for the annual celebration of everything it means to be Scottish: fine whisky, song, ceremony, Robert Burns and ruthlessly mocking the English....

A group of parents is said to have been left "absolutely fummin (sic)" after a child turned up to a local Halloween party dressed as a mosque. The child, understood to be a seven year-old...

The government has voted to reject a bill that recognises that hunt saboteurs are humans who feel pain and emotion. Following an incident over the weekend during which a horrible toff on a horse thrashed...

According to reports in the Daily Mail today the Queen has been forced to defend herself from a marauding Muslim immigrant with a sword. A Daily Express staff witness said: "Liz was forced to tap...

The Daily Mail has today announced that school pupils in England should be taught anatomy using the dead bodies of their previously living teachers. In an article entitled, 'Let our teachers be heros' ...

Julian Assange has spent the weekend enjoying the bright sunny weather by sitting in a room in the Ecuadorian embassy with a window open. The native of Ecuador told the Herald, "This morning was very reminiscent...

UK shoppers were in ecstasy as bendy bananas made a comeback into British supermarkets following Parliament’s decision to allow Prime Minister Theresa May to trigger article 50. Although bendy bananas are not strictly allowed...

Allegations have recently arisen that Conservative MP and incumbent minister of the cabinet office, Damian Green MP had been browsing and downloading 'thousands' of pornographic images on his work computers. The allegations that the MP...

The Daily Express as revealed a new corporate logo today that it says is more in keeping with how it and its readers view its brand. The Express hired a Moscow based marketing firm...

Jesus of Nazareth may have had eczema, dermatologists have found. New evidence that The Lord suffered from the common skin complaint emerged following fresh analysis of The Shroud of Turin, thought to be the old...

The alarm was raised today after BBC documentary maker and explorer Professor Robert Falcon failed to emerge from Oldham after missing his rendezvous with the armoured extraction convoy, the 48 bus, by three hours. The...