Shock revelations have shaken Rochdale to its very core as documents from the cold war have been declassified, revealing that the 7 sisters were a nuclear missile launch site throughout the 70’s and 80’s, before being secretly decommissioned after the collapse of the USSR.

The structures were designed to use lift shafts to launch the 6 megaton weapons of mass destruction.

Residents were absolutely outraged. One resident, Ann Thrax said “We’re absolutely horrified. The lifts never worked and it’s because of these big daft warheads? I live on the 12th floor, it’s bloody hard work with the big shop and no lift.”

Duncan Disorderly from the MOD gave a statement:

“We don’t normally discuss nuclear missile launch sites, but with the declassification of this site we can be bit more candid. The residential flats were an ideal launch site, with Rochdale being the centre of the world, so it was an easy decision to locate the delivery system there. It meant we could hit anywhere in the world in the shortest possible time. At no point were the residents of the flat, or indeed Rochdale, at any risk.”

The site decommissioning was carried out one night in January 1992 when the MOD snuck out of the respective loading bays with 7 warheads and all the associated launch equipment.

With more accessible documents due to declassification I’m sure this won’t be the last we hear about Rochdale being the hub of the UK defence infrastructure.