National News

The Ecuadorian embassy have put an advert up for the sale of a trailer tent that Julian Assange accidentally ordered whilst drunk. An embassy employee said, "He's a nightmare. He started on a crate of Pilsener...

There was an awkward meeting this morning when an assistant to the Prime Minister had to explain to her what a joke was. This occurred after a school child attempted to tell May a knock-knock...

A man arrested for what police have described as a "horrific anti-Semitic attack" on the London Underground on Friday has said he was just reading the Labour Party manifesto to some children. Counsel for the...

Royal offspring are like the grown up children who return to the nest once they have completed their time in higher education. You think it's finally over but unlike the Geoff Hurst 1966 fourth...

The annual Orange walk of Belfast's protestant population is to take place this weekend and is expected to reveal itself now as a 24K gold walk. Orange walks take place throughout the year but the...

Biologists wielding enormous magnifying glasses today discovered a newt thought to be the world's smallest living thing. This infinitesimal being has been proved by scientists to have less substance than the Tory manifesto; less conscience...

The weather scientist went on to predict industrialised nations have a maximum of one year before the amount of material stored in the cloud reaches a critical mass of never ending rain.

A bloke from Rochdale is being praised as some kind of wizard today after getting a straw into a Capri Sun on his effort. Ryan Griffiths, known as Beardy to his mates, pulled off the...

A crowdfunding campaign set up to raise enough money for a copy of Bravo Two Zero and a man size box of tissues for Mark Francois has been declared a rip roaring success.  Campaign organiser,...

Disgraced labour MP, serial text pest and pornography enthusiast Simon Danczuk accused the former Business Secretary Sir Vince Cable of being "old hat" on Twitter this morning. Sir Cable, who wasn't suspended from his party...

Sir John Chilcot has stunned the world by stating again that the Pope is catholic and so it seems is Britain's greatest wartime leader Tony Blair. The surprising rediscovery was made in an interview with...

There was befuddlement all over the UK this morning after every motorist in the country reported that the clock in the car is mysteriously showing the correct time. According to sources the clock in the...

Stoke's election Returning Officer was forced to admit to an embarrassing mistake when he opened the wrong envelope and declared Labour had won. "I was handed an envelope by someone very junior and it had...

The new BananaPhone has been launched exclusively at the male market. It has a retractable cover which simply pulls down for ease of use, and a pair of connected devices known as iPlums which...

A Rochdale man was being congratulated today after not completely shitting his pants when a police car followed him round a corner on Saturday morning. Arthur Sixpence of Bury Road, Rochdale, said “I was on...

A man has been fined for failing to take a picture of the rubbish he picked up on a beach and post it on social media. The man, who wishes to remain anonymous for fear...