National News

Health campaigners in Scotland have urged the SNP government to take immediate action after an Edinburgh chip shop was found to be selling deep-fried Class A drugs. Described by some as "possibly the most Scottish...

First time buyers struggling to raise the funds for a house deposit are being advised to smother an elderly relative for the inheritance by the Bank of England. Stricter lending rules, rising house prices and...

Following a cabinet meeting on Tuesday the government has denied responsibility for the north east stating "we didn't want it in the first place. When we were elected we knew there some places in...

Men have been asked to put some clothes on because they really shouldn't be in the pub half naked.  Professor Gareth Linkeker of the Institute of Instutes said: "It really is time for men to...

Tragedy has struck Burnley this afternoon after the Scottish band from St Andrew's accidentally locked in their tour Mondeo and died from heat exhaustion. With temperatures in Lancashire soaring above zero it's thought the band,...

In the current heat wave the RSPCA has urged pet owners to undertake special precautionary measures when traveling with their furry friends this bank holiday weekend. "In this weather you should not be leaving a...

The sunny weather forecast for the bank holiday weekend has led to panic buying of certain summer essentials. There have been reports of chronic shortages of Gin and Tonic, Pimms and Sauvignon Blanc. Concerns were...

Despite the change in the weather, cloudless skies and temperatures in the high 20s, it is still not enough to persuade moody teenager, Damian Bloke, 15, to leave his bedroom. His mother, Sharon Arkwright, 37,...

  Emergency services were called to a barbecue at a property in northern Lancashire this afternoon after dozens of women came over "a bit funny" after seeing a man cooking food on a barbecue. Several ladies...

A working class couple, Steven Dickinson and Barbara Stevenson, who don't own a string of polo ponies, are due to get married at a registry office in Rochdale, like normal plebs. Dickinson, 42 and a...

A Scotsman has been telling people of the dawning horror that he still lives in Kirkcaldy. A reporter for The Rochdale Herald Scotland edition said, "He's not sure how he got home. He woke up...

A hard working mother in West London is so desperate to get her children to eat vegetables she has put out a call for help on social media. Sally Du Lally of Ealing told The...

According to research at the institute of institutes catlike powers are absolutely wasted on cats. Researchers have discovered that despite having incredible superpower like abilities cats prefer to spend their time licking themselves and lying...

Amber Rudd today denied she had resigned as Home Secretary, and claimed she had simply renegotiated the job title and specification. "I have agreed with Theresa May that my post will now be called...

Amber Rudd has resigned as Home Secretary, saying she "inadvertently misled" MPs over which policies of her predecessor, Theresa May, she was continuing to follow.  The policies themselves remain unchanged, but the Home Secretary...

The Home Secretary Elmer Fudd has resigned, Downing Street has said. Mr Fudd, was due to make a Commons Statement on Monday about the Windrush scandal, but has instead chosen to remain "vewy, vewy quiet"...