11 C
Rochdale, UK

British celts forced to admit fighting trousers no good against Roman legionaries

“The weather was our best asset.” The Society admitted. “There were voices in the early years of Roman expansion within Britannia who argued we should just hold a non-stop series of BBQ’s for the Romans until they got fed up trying to spit things in the rain and went home. It's actually how we got rid of Caesar back in BC dates.”

Black death condemned for being racist

Traditional remedies, like bleeding and mercury, have proved ineffective. Complementary therapists have suggested vaccination, but have been dismissed by mothers who prefer their infants to die naturally rather than to become autistic church goers.
Trump Flag

I’ve just made a life size jelly of Donald Trump, I fear I may...

“You have to send help.” Dr Thump implored the emergency operator. “If this jelly gets out of my fridge there is no telling what it will do. It might start a nuclear war or worse.”

PC gone mad as hunchback becomes King of England

The whole show is at stake if this political correctness is allowed to go on with no thought to the feelings of traditionalists like myself. Next they’ll be naming bloody carparks after him.
Kids Tattoo Studio

FURY as Tattoo Studio for children opens in Rochdale

Members of the public have reacted with OUTRAGE at the news that a new tattoo studio for babies and toddlers has opened in Rochdale town centre.

Spanish Armada weatherman in the drink after Michael Fish moment

“Forecasting weather in Spain is easy.” Senor Dos explained, bobbing up and down on a piece of driftwood in the English Channel. “It’s always good.”

In wake of America and North Korea tensions Rochdale man hoarding bottlecaps

Concerns have been raised by the family of Jim Watson, 24, of Heywood after he hasn't been seen for the last week and a half. It is believed that Mr Watson is alive, but...

Red hot poker denies involvement in death of Edward II

Edward’s distraught widow, Isabella of France, and his best friend, Roger Mortimer, have declared in a joint statement that they will get to the bottom of Edward’s death...

Salem trial lawyer says he’ll never work no win no fee in village again

“I’m very upset. This doesn’t seem fair. I did hours on this nonsense.” Rooster added. “I’d say my earnings went up in smoke, only that wouldn't be accurate, as they hung my clients, all nineteen of them. The bums.”

Norman Conquest renamed as nobody wanted a King Norman I

The Normans, with their cry of "Battle Means Battle!" defeated the English army, shooting an arrow into the eye of the English King Harold. Bet he didn't see that coming.

Man who had letter published in local paper astonished that nothing changed

A Rochdale resident, Mr P. Scratching, was overjoyed when his letter to the editor of the Rochdale Herald was published in full with only his spelling mistakes corrected.  Mr Scratching was highlighting the long wait...
Newborn Baby

Newborn baby carefully plans the most inconvenient time to scream the house down

A newborn baby is deliberately planning the most inconvenient time to either shit himself or start screaming for no reason. Lancashire-born newborn dickhead Barry Dickinson said; “It’s all about timing, sleeping with one eye open...

Anti-Vaxxer has very messy carpet

In an ironic twist that would give Alanis Morissette a run for her money, local Anti-Vaxx campaigner Tarquin O'Flerfer is reported to have a very messy carpet.  Rochdale Anti-Vaxxer Tarquin O'Flerfer is often in the...
Nude woman wrapped in police tape

Rochdale women clubbing dressed in police tape

Fashionable Rochdale women have found a rather special use for police tape - as clothing to hit the town in. Local artist and bin man, Trevor Pirvert, apparently had the idea whilst on a night...
Writer

It’s too damn hot to write satire says satirist

Dick Turnip, writer for the Rochdale Herald, has been left unable to write a single humorous thing commenting on, or parodying the day's news. "It's 24°c outside, 28°C in the Herald office and roughly 200°C...
Tree lined street

Sheffield City Council issues injunction against Councillor for doing councillory things.

In the increasing farrago that surrounds Sheffield City Council's efforts to denude the streets of lush, green, oxygen-providing, shade-giving trees - in the quest for straight kerbstones - the Council has resorted to issuing...

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