Theresa May

Kaiser Chiefs hurriedly rerelease ‘I Predict a Riot’

3
As crowds of surprisingly calm protesters gather at Westminister to demand the resignation of the recently elected droid, Maybot 2.0, The Kaiser Chiefs are set to release their 2004 hit 'I Predict a Riot'. The...
Hide an Seek

Theresa May wins coveted Parliamentary Cross Party Hide and Seek Trophy

3
Prime minister Theresa May has won the 2017 Parliamentary Cross Party Hide and Seek Trophy ahead of stiff competition. "It was an incredible effort from the Prime Minister, a truly stellar performance." Said Lord Poncenby,...

Giant Fish Finger and Lord Buckethead asked by Queen to prepare to govern

27
The Giant Fish Finger and Lord Buckethead have been asked by the Queen to prepare to govern Britain. A spokesman for the Palace explained it was because you could prove their existence, unlike the fanciful...
terrorists

DUP refuse deal with Theresa May saying we don’t negotiate with terrorists

4
Arlene Foster has returned to Belfast after failing to agree a power sharing deal with Theresa May saying she won't negotiate with terrorists. The key sticking point seems have been surprising indeed. Unusually for a...
Theresa May

“Don’t worry, my government will soon be gone.” May reassures a worried public

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Theresa May stood outside 10 Downing Street this afternoon to reassure an increasingly worried country that, "Don't worry, my government will soon be gone." "It is the mark of a stable leader to know when...

Jeremy Corbyn thrilled to get through to judges houses

5
The election result has seen Jeremy Corbyn in a new light and he is hoping to continue this form into the next stage of the competition. As with any success in this field, there is...

Farage to appeal to younger voters by calling them all wankers

6
Nigel Farage has unveiled his latest plans to broaden UKIP's appeal amongst young voters. Phase one will see Farage travel round the country calling them wankers. Any young people who aren't in when he...
Theresa May

One man’s terrorist is another man’s freedom fighter, insists Theresa May

6
Alarmed by Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn's threat to cross the floor of the House of Commons to challenge for the Tory leadership, Prime Minister Theresa May tonight responded with unexpected vitriol.      "I know...
Running

DUP explains kneecapping naughtier than running through wheat field

1
Talks between the Conservatives and the DUP are said to be ongoing as the PM desperately tries to cobble together a slim working majority for her new government after the disastrous general election result...

Jeremy Corbyn to cross floor to lead the Conservative Party

6
Written off as a hopeless loser, terrorist supporter and left-wing extremist at the start of last week's general election campaign, Jeremy Corbyn has risen like a phoenix from the ashes of his early days...
Theresa May

Theresa May to raise voting age to 35

51
Senior Tory advisors, still reeling from Thursday's disastrous election result which provided a hung parliament, are said today to be telling the prime minister Theresa May that something serious has to be done about Britain's broken electoral system.
Theresa May

It’s bloody difficult being a bloody difficult woman, says bloody difficult woman.

0
On Thursday night, Theresa May was stood up by her strong mandate and had to make her lonely way home alone. "Being Prime Minister is bloody difficult," said May next morning from Conservative Central...

Satan refuses cabinet position in reshuffle

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In a surprising turn of events Satan has declined an offer to join Theresa May's new cabinet saying it would be "damaging" to his reputation.

Skeletor still ‘pretty buff’ for a skeleton

0
Men's Health Magazine today announced its annual Top Ten Fittest Male Celebs list with actor, recently elected DUP MP and self proclaimed evil overlord Skeletor peaking the chart in the coveted #1 position.   Bodybuilder Skeletor grew...

DUP offer to support May if she kicks Bishop Brennan up the arse

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The Democratic Unionist Party has offered to support Theresa May's minority government on the condition that she kicks Bishop Brennan up the arse, according to a Government source. Following a disastrous general election for the...

Paul Nuttall celebrates victory with speech outside 10 Downing Street

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UKIP supremo Paul Nuttall was in jubilant mood this afternoon after seeing his party win the 2017 election with a landslide victory. After visiting Her Majesty The Queen this morning, he enjoyed a lunch with...

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