Who you calling dangerous? Asks Kumbuka

Today the Rochdale Herald is delighted to bring you our exclusive interview with Kumbuka the gorilla who briefly escaped from London Zoo this week. RH: Good morning, Kumbuka. Kumbuka: Whatcha. Listen, I need to correct you...

Smallbridge Flats Man Convinced Pigeon Likes to Watch him Hoover Naked

While spending a good portion of his weekly income on the Euromillions, Mr. Garry Lee Shaw complained about the fifth or even sixth time that week that he’d seen the exact same pigeon outside...

Pigeon chess champion embarrassed at being included in metaphor with Boris Johnson

A pigeon chess grand master from Rochdale has been telling us how he finds it a embarrassing to be included with Boris Johnson in a metaphor about Brexit. The metaphor appeared on Rochdale resident, Board's...

Attenborough Discovers New Great Ape Species In America

Noted elderly naturist David Attenborough was cock-a-hoop yesterday when he announced the discovery of the first new species of great ape for many years. Mr Attenborough announced "We have certainly discovered a new great ape....
Lions

Dickheads eaten by lions

At least three dickheads have been mauled to death and eaten by some lovely lions after breaking into a wildlife reserve in South Africa. The dickheads entered the Sibuya Game Reserve armed with a rifle,...

BBC confident Planet Earth 3 will contain ‘at least 80% Attenborough’

The BBC are desperately trying to complete series 3 of their hugely popular Planet Earth programme, as with all the fuckery 2016 has offered up so far, bosses are worried that Sir David Attenborough...

If the Irish don’t want Apple’s £11BN tell them we’ll have it – say...

It transpires that North Sea Oil Revenues now contribute £60Million to the Scottish revenue pot, down from almost £13Billion a couple of years ago because you now sell a barrel of North Sea Oil...

Egyptian Zoo claim donkey identifies as zebra.

Representatives from a zoo in Cairo have come forward to say that claims that they dressed a donkey up as a zebra are unfounded and unfair on the zebra, who has lived that way...

Tickle my tummy, says genocidal bastard

A genocidal bastard from Lancashire has demanded that he has his tummy tickled this morning. The mass murderer called Mr Wiggles made the request this morning after spending the night murdering babies and dismembering their...

Whales begin having Tupperware parties due to levels of plastic pollution

Researchers have discovered that there is now so much plastic in the worlds oceans that whales have started to hold Tupperware parties. Professor Frederick Seddon of Rochdale College said, "It's almost 6 decades since suburban women...
Fox

Foxes vote to bring back fox hunting after promise of ‘iconic’ fox passports

Foxes across the UK have voted in favour of repealing the 2004 fox hunting ban, following a Government promise to issue them with 'iconic' passports in a colour of their choice. Just over 51% of...
Flat earth map

Sheffield Council declare majority of citizens think world is flat

Sheffield Council has been forced to declare their belief in a flat earth after applying the same statistical analysis to a recent on-line poll of a group of Sheffield residents on the shape of...
John Lewis Weasel

Accusations of Racism Hit John Lewis Commercial

The new John Lewis advert, featuring a black British family giving their daughter a trampoline for Christmas has been denounced as racist. "It's an outrage!' said Paul Slaithwaite (53) 'Badgers, foxes, squirrels, hedgehogs, they...
John Lewis Weasel

Russia denies involvement as Springwatch ‘Favourite British Wild Animal’ poll won by the weasel.

Questions have been asked as the BBC Springwatch poll to find Britain's favourite wild animal was convincingly won by the weasel. "I have to say it's a bit of a shock" said presenter Christov Pakov....

Tsunami threat issued for East coast of England after Yorkshireman does massive poo

A Tsunami threat has been issued for the East coast of England after a man who hasn't had a shit for a week finally found success in the downstairs loo. Findley Leigh-Pseudonym, a newspaper...
Hurricane

Trump ecstatic hurricane Harvey is bigger than every hurricane under Obama

Donald Trump says he's especially proud that Hurricane Harvey is bigger than any Hurricane President Obama presided over. In a speech he said, "Watched CNN last night. Fake news. Fox say this is going...

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