Startling news reached us today that a lost tribe of warehouse workers has been found “really fit” and well in an Amazon ‘fulfilment centre’ near Tewkesbury.
The tribe is thought to consist of approximately 75 Brazilian, Iraqi and Polish agency workers who were hired in December 2015 to work in the fitness and ‘nutrition’ section of the new facility.
“We lost touch with them at the end of January 2016. We thought they’d all gone home. It turns out they just got lost.” Barry Scott, supervisor, told us. “It’s a pretty big warehouse.”
“Nobody orders elliptical machines or protein shakes after January 14th so who would know they were there?”
They were discovered by a malfunctioning robotic drone which spotted a smoke signal, a pig’s head covered in flies and a smashed conch shell.
The survivors are thought to have survived almost a whole year on rainwater and MaxiMuscle protein shakes.
“To be fair. They’re all pretty buff now. They’ve had loads of protein and nothing to do but mess about with gym kit for 11 months. Genuinely, they’re massive now!”
We reached out to Amazon to ask for a comment about the rumour that they were unpaid slave labour, Amazon declined to comment.
We asked a survivor, Mariusz Pudzianowski, for a comment on the situation. He said;
“Maybe there is a beast . . . .maybe it’s only us.”
Whatever that means…