A woman from Rochdale who has been to India on a spiritual journey to find herself is just a monumental pain in the arse, say local Indians.

Morning Dew Gojiflower, (not her real name, which is Dawn Pettle), 47, has been in India and Nepal for almost two years since her divorce. “I wish to re-engage with my lost karmic chakras in order to discover who I truly am,” she said straight-faced. “I have had audiences with shamans, fakirs and Taolin monks, seeking the true path to enlightenment. At dawn, I meditate upon a sanctified birthing mat handwoven by the women of the village over the past six centuries. It depicts images of women and mothers celebrating the matriarchal cosmos.”

Indira Gaur, who runs the hostel where Morning Dew is staying as well as making repro birthing mats, said, “To be frank, I think she’s a nutter. She wears these weird clothes, all floral stuff floating around her like a stinky fart, and every time she meets anyone, she sticks her hands together, smiles like a baby soiling his nappy and mutters ‘nastame’. I mean, she can’t even get that right.”

Her husband Pandit, the local taxi driver, adds, “At first it was OK, as she’s obviously got some dosh and I took her to see my mate Agit who does this really good Maharishi Yogi ashram thing for the tourists. However, she kept coming back and he was running out of things to say. There’s only so many ways to dress up ‘to seek the path to truth, you must seek to be true to the path.'”

Dilip Kohli, 27, a bike mechanic, told us that she asked him about Tantric sex. “I thought I was in there, but all she wanted to do was sit naked touching each other’s fingertips. After a couple of hours, I was gagging for a Kingfisher or two.”

Morning Dew, when approached for a comment, put her hands together, smiled creepily and said, “Mastane.”

Baz Cordouroy is an imaginary friend of a cat called Tibbles. He likes nothing more than rolling on his back and having his tummy tickled. Tibbles however likes listening to Schoenberg and watching the films of Jean Renoir.