Millions of Britons were given an early taste of the joys of springtime over the weekend, after the unseasonable February warmth prompted the first encounter of a year with an utter bastard of a Wasp.

With temperatures hitting unexpected but pleasant highs of 20c, people up and down the land were keen to gobble up as much rare Vitamin D as possible.  Unfortunately they, found their relaxation was completely destroyed.  Whilst having the sheer audacity to sit in their own garden or venture to the local park, the unbearable little shits hatched early, probably out of spite.

Nursing a nasty looking sting, Gerry Winsford from Rochdale confirmed he had approximately 5 seconds to enjoy a pre-12 hour shift with an alfresco coffee before a wasp completely fucking ruined it for him.

‘In those winter months, I pine for these beautiful spring days, so naturally I was so chuffed to wake up to an earlier than expected dose of spring’ he remarked. ‘Then as I stepped out to bask in the glorious morning light, I was immediately given a stark reminder of why I couldn’t wait for summer to end last year.’

‘It wouldn’t get away from my coffee – they don’t even drink caffeine, so why do they bother going near it?! Purely to piss me off, that’s why. You can’t ever swat them away, and all of a sudden loads of his mates come giving it large to back him.’

‘It followed me into the house, I hit it about 21 times, but it was bloody indestructible – I mean seriously, it’s the equivalent of a house falling on me repeatedly, and me still emerging arms wide goading ‘Is that all you’ve got?!?!’

I gave up and had to go to work, there’ll probably be a nest when I get back. Where’s another beast from the bloody east when you need it?!!’

In a firm rebuttal to Winsford’s pissing & moaning, Wasp & all round tosser Vespa Twattle exclusively spoke to the Herald and confirmed what drives their instinctive twattish behaviour.

‘We only live for about 3 days, so we just get on it. Hovering around someone’s pint in a beer garden in that languid way where you can’t ever hit us is the Vespine equivalent of a Keith Richards style bender – go hard, or go home!’ he exclaimed.

‘We don’t even want any of it, we genuinely are just complete arseholes – what you gonna do about it, we’ve got multi-sting ability mate, not like your darling Bees who crimp it after one sting because they’re too fat to manoeuvre. Obviously the biggest twats on the planet need the ability to repeatedly sting willy-nilly. It’s evolution, baby!!’

With a latest scientific study drawing a direct line from the insidious insects to lung cancer ,due to their role in pollinating tobacco, anti-wasp sentiment is seemingly increasingly growing amongst the public day by day.  Twattle, however, remained stoically insouciant in the face of ‘media fuelled propaganda’ currently facing his kind.

‘Arsed mate, you just watch your £5 pint, we love a good craft ale. Now if you’ll excuse me, there’s an open pot of honey over there, looks like the lads are already thorax deep!!!’