Crime

?UK health secretary Jeremy Hunt has fallen victim to a cruel nominative determinism sting operation perpetrated by an East European cockney rhyming slang gang, a spokesman for Scotland Yard revealed in a press conference...

In a shock announcement this morning, that surprised no one, a spokes-stool for Isis (other names are available) claimed credit for the proposed funding changes to schools in England. "Our education policy sub-committee has...

Reports that Donald Trump had been assassinated by a mentally disturbed right-wing white Southerner were denied by the White House yesterday. The world press was busily reporting the death of the kumquat-hued POTUS in a...

Abigail Walsh was just 7 years old when she went missing from a caravan site, on a family holiday in Blackpool, 10 years ago. Her parents, Mick and Janice, left Abigail and her two siblings;...

After being alerted to the shockingly high number of deaths caused by toddlers shooting their parents, President Trump signed the legally binding order yesterday that prevents all children under four from entering the United States, "Until...

The long standing dispute over the unpopular and legally dubious felling of Sheffield street trees took a bizarre new turn when South Yorkshire Police diverted from their tactic of arresting people under out of...

A British expat has hailed Parliament's rejection of EU citizens' right to stay in the UK post Brexit. Speaking from beside his swimming pool at his luxurious Marbella villa, Ken 'Fingers' McKray, 54, an import-exporter...

The National Crime Agency has warned MP's that the Class A drug is 'set to flood the market' after the untimely death of Tara Palmer Tomkinson. A spokesman said; "Sales of the Class A drug are...

In a bold new democracy-busting move, Emperor Trump has decreed the police will now swear an oath of allegiance directly to the person of himself. They will be rebranded "the Orange Shirts", be given...

Tonight, the U.K. Is in disarray. The major cities of London, Manchester, Liverpool, Leeds and Birmingham are in lockdown with reports of outbreaks of vegans rioting. There has been widespread looting in independent fruit and...

Our Herald undercover reporter uncovers the sinister side of the illegal Kensington salad trade. It’s 2 a.m. and I’m standing outside an all-night coffee shop in London’s Kensington High Street, waiting, as Lou Reed so...

Cannabis plants have been uncovered at 'Bright Horizons' home for the elderly, Kirkholt, this morning. Police describe the haul as a kick in the teeth for old timer Jack Jacobs aka 'Dentures'. One eye witness...

Julian Assange has confirmed that he is willing to be extradited from his own arse following Barack Obama’s decision to commute the sentence of US Army whistleblower Chelsea Manning. Lawyers for Assange have stated that he intends...

Home Secretary Amber Rudd sounded like your mate's racist pissed wife at a children's Christmas party during her speech yesterday. West Midlands Police have said the Home Secretary's speech to last year's Conservative Party conference...

Archbishop Welby is currently helping police with their enquiries in Westminster after allegedly kerb stomping Nigel Farage.

Katie Hopkins was driven slowly to hospital yesterday after choking on the word "sorry" while typing a court ordered apology to the Mahmoud family.