Home Secretary Amber Rudd sounded like your mate’s racist pissed wife at a children’s Christmas party during her speech yesterday.

West Midlands Police have said the Home Secretary’s speech to last year’s Conservative Party conference is being treated as a “Murder Scene” after she viciously ended her own career.

In the speech Amber Rudd began and ended her career as a front bench politician as she droned on like a parlour room racist.

A complaint was made to West Midlands Police that Ms Rudd “beat her career to death with a blunt instrument”. West Midlands Police said no crime had yet been recorded but were curious as to whether the “blunt weapon” was her IQ or her grasp of the law.

A Home Office spokesperson said: “In the Bible it says that Sampson slew 10,000 Philistines with the jawbone of an ass, Amber’s career has been killed with the same weapon.”

It is certainly clear that she can never have heard the words of the speech out loud or she would never have thought “making a list of the names of foreigners” would have sounded good to anyone but Adolf Eichman.

Ms Rudd wasn’t available for comment, but if she had been it would probably have gone something like “I’m not racist BUT it’s not like they support England when we play cricket, is it? And they don’t pay tax you know, but it’s not traditional to do that in their country though, is it? Live and let live I say, but they should really speak English before they come here, shouldn’t they?

Blah, blah, blah, blah. Oh do shut up Amber.

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