Unnamed Rochdale MP to be charged with being drunk in charge of a mobility...

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An as yet unnamed MP for Rochdale has allegedly been arrested for being drunk in charge of a mobility scooter. Police were called in the...

Tommy Robinson fitted with Cone of Shame

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Ex-EDL frontman turned solo hate preacher, Tommy Robinson, has become the first human to be fitted with a "cone of shame." Medical professionals deemed the...
Blackeye

999 rescue for man who misunderstood the meaning of ‘rape robot’

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A dramatic and embarrassing rescue involving two fire engines and four police cars was underway this morning, after one man failed to realise his...

Julian Assange’s camper van racks up £19,700 in parking fines

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The Rochdale Herald can reveal that Julian Assange's camper van has run up £19,700 in parking ticket charges. The van was left on Cadogan Place a...

Scatter Cushion Killer walks free

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Rochdale Crown Court today saw the conclusion of the now infamous "Scatter Cushion Slaying" case. The accused, Abraham Smith (54), from the Sink Estate pleaded...

Three in critical condition after tragic scone miss-pronunciation attack

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Police have closed access to Battenburg street in Middleton today as the investigation into an altercation at the Middleton tea rooms has left three...
Rochdale paramedics

Daily Mail Editor sectioned after being confused by photograph of white terrorist

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The Editor of The Daily Mail was carried out of Northcliffe House in a straitjacket this morning after a photograph of a white man...
Green

Inside the Dark Underbelly of Kensington: Salad Dealers

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Our Herald undercover reporter uncovers the sinister side of the illegal Kensington salad trade. It’s 2 a.m. and I’m standing outside an all-night coffee shop...
Old man smoking

Police find cannabis farm at Rochdale old folks home

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Cannabis plants have been uncovered at 'Bright Horizons' home for the elderly, Kirkholt, this morning. Police describe the haul as a kick in the...
Ross and Rachel

Beer thieving ‘Ross’ looklike sentenced to watch every single episode of ‘Friends’.

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A shoplifting, David Schwimmer look-a-like has been sentenced to watch every single episode of 'Friends' in one sitting, including 'The One Where They Were...
Rosie and Jim

Rosie and Jim Seized in Immigration Raid

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News is emerging that 1990's TV stars Rosie and Jim have been arrested and are now facing deportment following the repeal of the European...

MP claims he was researching book on whether breasts make noises like clown horns

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Leading MP Pete Who speaks out after being named in the Dirty Dossier. The Member of Parliament for Goveshire West, Pete Who, has given a...
Clown

Police advise public to ‘grow up’ over rise in clown related call outs

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Police call handlers up and down the country have been inundated with calls from concerned citizens in relation to a bizzare new craze in...
Guantanamo Bay

G4S win contract to run Guantanamo Bay

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Top US officials today confirmed that security company G4S have been granted the contract to oversee all operations in the somewhat controversial detention centre...

Deranged cycle path murders his spell checker

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Rochdale police have announced they have comprehended and changed a man in his fortes for the brittle killing of his spell checker. In a statesman, a...

Men in Rural England “Shitting Themselves” as Helen Titchener Walks Free

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Men up and down the UK will now be sleeping with one eye open and replacing all the knives in the house with plastic...

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