Much loved star of children’s literature, TV and films, Paddington Bear, has been arrested and deported to Peru, as part of a round up of unlikely literary immigrants to Britain.
A spokesman for the Home Office Department for Hunting and deporting Foreign Ursines (DepHADFU) confirmed that Paddington had been seized in a dawn raid at an address in west London and had been escorted on board a naval surplus life boat and told to “bugger off back where he came from”.
“The ursine immigrant in question arrived in this country under somewhat mysterious circumstances, has been living for his entire time here under an assumed name and frankly has no rational reason to remain here,” the spokesman explained.
“We understand that he has been sponging off an otherwise unsuspecting British family who have no real idea about what he is doing in the country and spends most of his time associating with a suspected Hungarian migrant,” he added.
“Frankly as a South American, living illegally in the country he’s lucky not have received the same treatment as Jean Charles da Silva de Menezes,” he said explaining that people just don’t realise the dangers of encouraging immigrants from other continents to settle in the UK.
“Aside from the growing threat of ursine extremism there is also the risk of the spread of parasites and infection to British marmalade farms,” he explained, adding that Paddington had been equipped with the bare necessities for life on a small boat during the long voyage back to his native Peru.
“We believe he has relatives there who can look after him,” he said adding that DepHADFU wanted express its gratitude to a Mr R Curry for his invaluable help in facilitating a recent arrest and deportation event.
Separately, officials from Railtrack confirmed to the Herald that the bronze statue of Paddington which has for some years stood in the ticket hall of Paddington Railway station in north London has been removed and will be melted down as scrap.
Although much loved by London commuters the statue is not without its critics.
Why should we be erecting statues to foreign bears when we have plenty of our own, like Rupert, and indeed other native “bares” like “Naked Housewives”, “Mega Boobs in Teddies” and “Your Mates’ Daughters, Like
You’ve Never Seen Them, Phwoar!”, sneered daily Express owner Richard Desmond casually sliding a pile of “Asian Babes” magazines behind a display of Rupert Bear annuals.