Bruce Forsyth

Sir Bruce Forsyth declared fit for work by ATOS

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British television legend Sir Bruce Forsyth has died at the age of 89 of a chest infection. Bruce was well known for his dancing and...

Queen’s Christmas speech will contain one paragraph in Urdu

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There are rumours today that the Queen's Christmas speech will contain one paragraph in Urdu. A furious Palace insider told us, "It's completely ridiculous. I've...
Lucky Childless Bastards

Lucky childless bastards book affordable holiday

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A pair of lucky childless bastards have managed to book an off-season five star holiday to an empty resort at a cost of almost...
Jeremy Corbyn

“We can’t stop Brexit without a strong opposition”, says old hippy who keeps forgetting...

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Jeremy Corbyn has taken time out from his busy schedule of avoiding anybody not singing, "Oh, Jeremy Corbyn" to prove he's still alive and...

Donald Trump hires Hugo Boss to design new ‘Cabinet Uniform’

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The controversial decision to hire Hugo Boss was openly discussed by The President-elect, Donald J. Trump, on Good Morning America yesterday during a catwalk...

Hundreds arrested in dawn raids for not wearing a poppy

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More than 300 people have been arrested as part of an operation to prevent people who aren’t wearing a poppy to be seen in public today.
Chris Grayling

Chris Grayling awards ferry contract to Nigerian Prince after receiving fortuitous email

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Transport Secretary, Chris Grayling has announced that the Government have awarded a contract to provide ferries in the event of a no-deal Brexit. Grayling, the...
Ladder

Trump’s view on border wall evolves after learning the word ‘ladder’

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Donald Trump has sensationally dropped his controversial border wall plan, a key election promise, after seeing one of his Mexican labourers use a ladder for the first time.
oldham

Fears grow for BBC Explorer missing in Oldham

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The alarm was raised today after BBC documentary maker and explorer Professor Robert Falcon failed to emerge from Oldham after missing his rendezvous with...
Asda

Season 9 of The Walking Dead to be filmed in Burnley Asda

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The Burnley Magic Lantern Club has announced that the next Season of The Walking Dead will be filmed in an Asda store in Burnley. Benny...
Prince Harry begging

Prince Harry arrested in Windsor for aggressive begging to pay for wedding

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Windsor-- Following complaints of aggressive begging on the streets of Windsor today Prince Harry was among the vagrants swept up in a Thames Police...

ISIS and UN unite to condemn So-Called Yodel Customer Services for crimes against humanity

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ISIS and all the member states of the United Nations have broadly condemned the British parcel delivery firm and courier service Yodel for crimes against humanity.
Dog Window

Dog who wanted to go outside immediately wants to come back in

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A dog who has spent the last hour and a half peering longingly through the patio doors at the garden is now peering longingly...
Rees Mogg

Argument for abortion makes argument against abortion

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Underchinned Tory leadership hopeful Jacob Rees-Mogg has upset both women and homosexuals today by saying he is opposed to same-sex marriage and abortion under...
Conservative Party

ISIS claim responsibility for Conservative Party Conference

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The attackers wrote Boris’s jokes, Theresa May’s speech and arranged for all the letters to fall off the wall behind the Prime Minister during her main conference address in an audacious display of comic timing.
Sturgeon

Will of the Scottish People Revealed to be Sturgeon’s Imaginary Friend

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An SNP insider has revealed that Nicola Sturgeon's repeated use of the phrase 'Will of the Scottish People' is actually a reference to her...

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