Jeremy Corbyn has told Labour MP’s that they had better get behind Theresa May and her, “And then there were none” vision of Brexit otherwise he risks becoming Prime Minister.

One MP told us, “Jeremy is absolutely not happy that the Tories could implode before delivering Brexit. If that happens and he wins a General Election he will have to deliver Brexit. The plan was that we’d watch the Tories tear each other apart, deliver a Brexit nobody likes then, we’d take power. Once in power we could spend years blaming everything on the rubbish Brexit deal we inherited.”

Another MP added, “It’s massively important that we don’t ever tell anyone what our Brexit plan is. Loads of young idealistic people voted for Jeremy and they don’t seem to like Brexit. The problem is Jeremy doesn’t like the EU. In fact, Jeremy hasn’t ever liked the EU, EEC or any of its guises as it erodes worker’s rights and exploits the poor. He just hasn’t got round to breaking that to Momentum yet. Then there’s the grass roots voters in the north who vote Labour but want to leave the EU who are represented by MP’s who like the EU and want to remain in it. Obviously we want to keep as few people as possible realizing this. I we were in power then it would be us ripping each other apart.”

Another MP told us, “Unlike Theresa May who has been pro-Brexit since 2016 Jeremy has been pro- Brexit since 1976. The irony is that loads of Brexit supporters think that as he’s a lefty he will automatically want to stay in the EU. They don’t realise he’s so ideologically in favour of Brexit they’d stand more chance with him. For God Sake, don’t tell anyone. Otherwise he’ll be PM, we’ll tear each other apart and we’ll never be allowed back to Glastonbury.”

It’s understood that all Labour MP’s have been instructed to bring up the subject of Tony Blair being Labour’s most successful leader whenever the suggestion that Jeremy Corbyn could be PM is brought up.

 

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Fact checked by Snopes; Plagiarised by Andrew Neil; Nancy Sinatra's favourite Rochdale satirist; sued by Chris Froome and winner of the 1922 Nobel Prize for Chemistry.* *Not all of these necessarily true.