Many Muslims not rioting in streets

The Rochdale Herald learned today that almost two billion Muslims around the world went about their daily business without perpetuating a single crime, let alone a mass murder. Despite 24/7 media coverage to the contrary...

Nuclear holocaust averted as Southern Rail selected to deliver US missile attack

A spokesman for Southern Rail confirmed to the Rochdale Herald that in view of the anticipated two day delay the four minute warning given in advance of nuclear attacks would consequently be extended to 2,880 minutes.
Donald Trump

Trump tells CNN all future press conferences will be held in Saudi Embassy

POTATUS has announced that he will begin to give CNN press conferences in Saudi Embassies from now on. The announcement comes as his administration complained that reporters ask too many hard questions and rarely ask...
Student Loans Company

Bloke from the Student Loans Company still thinks they’re getting their money back

A delusional representative of the Student Loans Company has said that he is still optimistic that they might get some of the money back that they lent to students. Graham Barnsley, a manager at the...

A country full of religious crackpots shouldn’t have nuclear weapons, says country full of...

A country full of religious crackpots and nuclear weapons has condemned another country full of religious crackpots for pressing on with their nuclear programme. Hassan Rouhani, the President of Iran, has spoken to The Rochdale...

‘Deadly viruses don’t kill people, people kill people,’ claims Ebola

In a bid to improve its reputation as one of the world's most lethal pathogens, the Ebola virus has today sought to shift the blame for its deadly effects onto people. The virus, which was...

Absolute arsehole Winnie Mandela dies aged 81

An absolute arsehole has died in South Africa aged 81.
Pest Control

In London you’re never more than 6ft from a Tory Party leadership candidate, study...

The old adage has it that we're never more than six feet away from a Conservative Party leadership candidate? It's a saying that seems almost deliberately contrived to get...
Trump Idiotic

Book criticising Trump to be boycotted by people who have never bought a book.

There is growing support among Republican voters for a nationwide boycott of the book 'Fire and Fury' which contains several damaging claims about President Trump. It is estimated that millions of Republicans, representing approximately 0.01%...

KFC chicken shortage averted with introduction of all new recipe

KFC lovers around the country are thrilled that their local branches are reopening with an all new menu. Chiefs at the multi-national fast-food chain have miraculously averted the logistics crisis at DHL by introducing an...
Theresa May Christmas

Theresa May gets into Christmas spirit by ordering census and slaughtering first born children

Theresa May has finally got into the spirit of Christmas by ordering a massive census of everybody in the UK and slaughtering all of the first-born children. The news comes on the anniversary of Theresa...
Theresa May

Winning a general election easier than taking benefits from orphans says woman who took...

Like the irritating eager new guy at work, dark Sith Lord and unelected PM, Theresa May, announced a snap general election 15 minutes before she was supposed to at 11:00am, pissing everyone right off. Surrounded...

Birmingham Airport begins Windows 10 update

Birmingham Airport officials have announced they've accidentally started a Windows 10 update. The update is alleged to have caused the air traffic control centre to close down. A spokesman told us, "At 3 this afternoon...

Piers Morgan killed in chip pan fire

In breaking news Piers Morgan has burned to death in a devasting chip pan fire in a static caravan at Hollingsworth Lake Caravan Park

Paul Nutall announces he’s going to be the next Doctor

Early last week news broke that Peter Capaldi will stepping down from the iconic role after this year's Christmas special. Speculation has been rife as to who will replace Capaldi in the Doctor's next incarnation,...
Michael Gove

Being interviewed about your job is a bit like being raped, says chinless toad

The United Kingdom has apologised "unreservedly" for making Michael Gove a Cabinet Minister after he compared being raped to being a bit like being politely asked questions about his job during an interview on Radio...

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