United Kingdom – Reports are emerging that Social Services have stepped in and taken a child into care in Burnley after learning that the parents had secretly named him Nigel.

Both medical and social services staff feared for the child’s safety, advocating that the baby be immediately removed from his parents’ guardianship and placed into foster care. It is looking very likely that the parents could lose custody of the child permanently after the local council took legal action against them

Details of the case, seen by the Rochdale Herald, have emerged from a private family court hearing.

Rochdale-based Judge David Bellamy ruled that the child should be placed in foster care during the court proceeding, at least until a less “bloody stupid name” could be found for the baby boy.

A spokesman for Rochdale social services said: “It is not as unusual as it sounds for this kind of unspeakable child cruelty to go on. You can’t go around calling babies Nigel willy nilly.”

“People are just going to assume that that baby is going to have peculiar views about who can fish where and the Common Agricultural Policy.”

“There are far too many negative connotations associated with the name Nigel at the moment. Until the court decides otherwise he’ll be known by his middle name, Adolf.”

According to Child Protection Services children in areas with high levels of fuckwits who want blue passports and think “Enok woz rite” are at least three times more likely to be named Nigel.

Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.